Thanksgiving

Three months have passed since I started law school, and I find myself home again for Thanksgiving. I haven't been back since my brother's wedding 2 months before. Things seem more different now, as he has moved out, Milo has passed, and in his place, is an English bulldog named Popi.

I remember the days coming home from college for Thanksgiving - it was always exciting simply to make that three hour drive home from Saratoga. In fact, that feeling was apparent before I left from CT. I don't know if it was the three hour drive, or the near fender bender that I experienced on the highway coming home in the midst of the snarling traffic, but things just seemed...different. The house is much quieter and quite frankly, there wasn't a significant angst on my part to seek out long lost friends immediately. All I really wanted to do was sit home, do nothing, and watch television (which I did).

For the past couple of months, I've managed to bury myself in my books to the extent never seen before. Unlike undergrad, I constantly feel the need to be doing something law related at any given time. There is a particular itch that can only be satisfied by doing as such. However, there are times that even though I don't feel like studying, I still do it for the sake of doing it. I'm unsure as to the productive nature of this technique, but I've seemingly placed a severe burden on my shoulders.

For the first time in my life, I've managed to cut out most distractions that have characterized my secondary and undergraduate education; no sports, no job, no extracurriculars, barely a social life, but still a gf to keep my sane. By cutting out these distractions, I can focus exclusively on my studies - which, in turn, has created this tension that I have with myself because I no longer have the excuses that conveniently accompanied my academic life until now. If I fail to perform to these standards, I will have, in essence, failed myself, which is not something that I can take lightly.

Therefore, I've invested the time and the effort. Unfortunately, I don't know how this will all fare in the end. It seems that my class is filled with a lot of very talented, smart, and driven people. I find myself comparing my academic achievements with them all the time, and it just scares me. We have so many ivy-leaguers on my campus, that I can't help but fear the type of competition that is brewing amongst my classmates.

Yet, all I really have is a collective sense of hard work, motivation, and substantial amounts of pre-law school preparation that I'm almost sure many people don't have. Will this different approach to law school work? Or will I be subject to the performances that have characterized my academic achievements in the past?

I have heard that the key to success in law school is doing what you did in undergrad and being comfortable with how you study. To the contrary, I am doing something that I haven't done in undergrad. In the end, I hope it works out. However, until then, I will be relegated to the constant fear of under-performing, coupled with anxiety and nervousness. I have been told to learn to relax, except I can't - not with this year standing between me and my goals.

I think I'll look good in a power suit.