Silly Boston Devotion

This semester, oddly enough, feels much more stressful than I remembered last semester to be (minus the month leading up to finals). As a result of my mediocre academic performance last semester, I am compelled to do much better this semester. As such, I have placed more pressure on myself to implement the techniques that I should have done last semester. This pressure is making me doubt my abilities, and that in turn, may be contributing to the stress.

More likely, though, the stress comes from finding the summer position. After I was systematically denied from CDI interviews, I started to doubt my abilities, which eventually led to a brief period of utter dejection. Thankfully, that time has passed, but at the same time, I am still overwhelmed with that feeling periodically. CDI was a wake-up call, or was it? I am a firm believer that all things happen for a reason, and although it would have been very pleasant to get paid lawyer wages as a first year, in the long run, it probably wouldn't matter as much.

Maybe someone up there wants me to do something worthwhile, and more aligned with my values, instead of focusing on the money. I thought I found that calling when I applied to the Asian Outreach Unit. Unfortunately, that avenue hasn't panned out the way that I had envisioned; The director has been extremely reluctant to get back to me within a reasonable period, and I, in turn, continue to doubt my performance during that interview. The flashbacks have been a constant sore-reminder of how poorly I may have sold myself for the position. Again, reason for this?

Well, this brings me my actual point of this entry, which revolves around the US Attorneys' Office. I was extremely excited to receive the offer two days ago, and at the same time, very hesitant to accept the offer on the spot. Something in the back of my mind told me that I really wanted to be in Boston, and that I should wait for the GBLS to call me before making a well-informed decision. As the days past, it became increasingly unlikely that I was going to receive a favorable phone call from them. This got me thinking about the possibilities of staying in Hartford for the summer -- without pay.

The US Attorney's Office may not be exactly aligned with my ambitions (which, to tell you the truth, has been wavering). However, the position, even though unpaid, offers the exposure that I really need at this point in my career. I will have access to talented attorneys who handle a wide range of cases. At the same time, I will be entrusted with meaningful assignments which will cultivate my legal skills. I will also have un-parallel access to judges at the federal level, which will be fantastic. The only draw-back is the fact that I won't get paid (not terribly important because I think I'm a decent financial standing) and I won't be in Boston to make the necessary contacts I want to make for next summer.

This concern troubles me. It seems that for one reason or another, I have always felt compelled to return to Boston -- my ultimate comfort zone. Familiarity with the region, friends, and family all contribute to the reason that I have always wanted to return. I managed to pass up a wonderful opportunity to stay in Beijing to do something utterly incredible...just so I can return to Boston for a mediocre internship. During my post-collegiate job search, I was compelled to return to Boston, and perhaps overlooked numerous different opportunities in various places. Now, I am still entertaining the notion of returning to Boston for an opportunity that's not quite there. Yet, I was actually willing to overlook a fantastic opportunity with the US Attorney's Office, just so I can feel comfortable in a place that I know and love.

Well, like all things, law school is temporary, and lost money can always be made further down the line. My only wish is that my decision to work in Hartford won't actually cut off my opportunities to be in Boston next summer. Before I even get there, I have to make sure that I am well-positioned to make that push and be competitive in a very tough Boston market. I find myself floundering in my motivation,but I only hope that this moderate glitch is temporary. I need to do what is best for myself, and that shall most likely include more academic focus, and most of all, looking forward to a fantastic learning experience in Hartford this summer.

US Attorney's Office

Before my memory slips away from me, I want to write down some of the impressions that I got from my interview at the US Attorney's Office in Hartford. I am still awaiting an official accept/reject from the Greater Boston Legal Services. They seem to be waiting for someone else to make a decision before they can make a decision regarding my candidacy. As much as I want to be in Boston and work with the Asian community there, I find myself gravitating towards the opportunity at the US Attorney's office. Should I get this position, they will offer a substantial amount of substantive training as it relates to research and writing. In addition to the training, there is a certain kind of prestige surrounding the office, which I think will help me with my summer job search the following year. I harbor a perception that the work at the office will be infinitely more interesting than anywhere else.

Physically, the building is unimpressive. I must be spoiled with regard to private corporate buildings in which I have become accustomed. Hallways were half-finished, and the general fixtures didn't quite match up to the prestige of the office. I found myself inside a waiting room that resembled a doctor's office. Fortunately, after proceeding past that initial small waiting room, I was lead into a much larger portion of the office that remotely resembles a scene from a typical Hollywood portrayal of what a government building should look like.

The interviews went very well, as far as I can tell. I found myself not speaking very much throughout the first interview. The majority of the speaking came from the interviewer herself. I managed to learn a lot about her background in tax, as well as her stint in the USDOJ in Washington. Furthermore, she proceeded with an extremely lengthy description of the actual job description, not to mention some details about particular cases that were pending in the court docket. The actual facts of the case were reminiscent of Enron, as it does relate to corporate fraud. She was extremely down to earth, and appeared to be rather empathetic of the whole 1L experience, which is particularly beneficial.

Unfortunately, 3/4 of the way through the interview, the phone rang, and I was left wandering the office with my eyes, whereupon I caught a glimpse of some of her legal references on the book shelf, as well as pictures of her infant son. I don't recall the last time I had an interviewer answer the phone at length during the actual interview. Nevertheless, I got an extremely favorable impression from her not only because she seemed genuinely friendly and approachable, but also because she made note of the quality writing sample that I had submitted.

The next interviewer was slightly more intimidating. She spoke with a certain type of eloquence and confidence and it made her appear much more authoritative (despite the fact that she is a small lady) than the first interviewer. Similar to the first interview, I didn't get to speak very much - but found that I was able to insert certain parts of my qualifications into the interview, such as my experience working in a time-line driven, client focused firm, and that I am seeking an opportunity with very broad exposure to the many facets of law.

I managed to inadvertently touch upon her primary area of practice when I mentioned that I enjoy employment discrimination. It turns out most of her work involves employment discrimination, even though I was a little confused when she spoke at length about some of her 'clients'. Who exactly are these clients if you're a government entity? Anyway, she also talked about how she was an engineering major in college, and she had to spend a significant amount of time convincing her potential employers that she was not limited to intellectual property based on her background.

Of course, I always find it strange when an interviewer advocates for another position while you're speaking to them about potential employment. It happened at the GBLS when she recommended working for a judge if I wanted to devote my time to developing my legal writing and research skills. Likewise, this second interviewer recommended that I speak to other people about their international practice (potentially assuming that I want to work abroad at some point given my bilingual or trilingual background). I inadvertently mentioned someone that I had met at an event earlier, and it turned out that she was quite familiar with this particular individual as well. This individual works for a large corporation with many operations in Asia. Even though that is still an interest of mine to work on a broader international scale someday, I have ultimately come to terms with the fact that I have to first build my skill set, and them set upon improving my linguistic capabilities and ultimately, finishing with an international career.

With that said, I'm crossing my fingers for this position. Even though it's unpaid, I think it will offer me the training that I require, as well as the exposure that I crave. I have spent my life chasing the dollar sign (not actually obtaining it), so I want to be able to find that position that will teach me more than it will actually pay me. Nevertheless, I still have to write thank you notes. But for the time being, I'm just going to try to reflect on these interviews.

Humbleness

Law school has a tendency to deprive someone of their own self-esteem. In the past week, I have been overly-conscious of my self esteem, and general self worth. This bout started on Friday after my interview with the GBLS. The position was something that I ultimately desired for the longest time because it would give me the chance to serve the Asian community in Boston in a bilingual setting. Yet, the interview didn't transcend as smoothly as I would have hoped. In between a lot of background information exchange, I didn't think I came across as strong of a candidate as I could have been. I stumbled in my speech, painted myself into a corner with my Chinese verbal skills, and above all, my phone had to ring in the middle of the interview (Nokia's are terrible). Being my own greatest critic, in my mind I failed to come across as an ideal candidate.

So for the last week, I have been running the scenario over and over again in my head. What did I do wrong and what did I do right? As a result, I have been feeling slightly depressed because this position is ultimately what I want to do, and in the place that I want to be. To compound my current bout of self-reflection, I had a meeting with my Civil Procedure professor today to go over my exam. Throughout the semester, the professor had touted his willingness to meet with students to discuss class and career issues. In fact, he made it sound like he was extremely open to students dropping by nonchalantly. Unfortunately, I never did make that effort to meet with him after class, mostly because I am extremely intimidated by his presence. He seems like the type of person to be extremely confident of himself - almost to a point of arrogance. To me, he was virtually unapproachable.

However, I bit the bullet and met with him today in an attempt to better my current semester and beyond. What I got was the inescapable feeling that I was wasting his time. First of all, he had messed up the scheduling, which resulted in extra wasted time. Moreover, i got the sense that he was constantly in a rush; his wife came in, his phone rang, and he his general demeanor indicated to me that he had no interest in meeting with me.

With that said, his substantive feedback was extremely helpful: I need to have a clearer outline, and above all, I need to write better and be more concise in applying the legal doctrine to the facts. However, the feedback wasn't that simple and straight forward. The professor essentially took my exam, and ripped it apart - not once mentioning anything good that came out of the exam. In fact, for the first two pages, he proceeded to dissect the exam in meticulous fashion and as a result, I felt incredibly feeble.

Prior to meeting with him, I had met with two professors, and to my surprise, I was extremely satisfied at the general receptiveness of the meetings, not to mention their providing constructive feedback in an informal setting. The sentiment that I got from this particular professor was quite the opposite: he was generally unfriendly and extremely lacking in his social skills. I could do nothing but sit there and nod and let him do all the talking. Even though the meeting lasted one half hour, it felt like forever.

Needless to say, I won't be taking any more of his classes...ever. As a result of the events from this past week, my self-confidence is severely lacking and I generally don't feel as optimistic about my overall abilities to be in this line of profession. The stress is building. What if I don't get this internship? What will my options be, given the fact that I lack the motivation to look for something else? Actually, I don't have anything planned as for right now, other than an offer from a friend to work for his dad who is a Connecticut judge. The uncertainty is debilitating.

As a final word, I hope this general feeling passes quickly. Prior to meeting with him, I was at least optimistic about what I have to do for this semester to improve. After the meeting, it seems like there is much work to be done. Nevertheless, I'm trying extremely hard to turn this experience into a positive one. In the meanwhile, I will attempt to figure out my summer, and will make a conceited effort to improve based on his comments, with little attention paid to his general unapproachable nature.