I believe that all things happen for a reason. At least, that's what I hope is the case. Otherwise, it seems like my time in Hartford would be a silly waste of time. Perhaps these reasons cannot be discovered through an initial observation at face level - perhaps we need to dig deeper to find a more specific reason. For example, on the surface, it appears that I'm in Hartford simply to get a legal education, so that one day, I would be able to return to Massachusetts -- my home -- to practice. Of course, all this is true, and is certainly in my plans.
However, there appears to be more. For one thing, Hartford enables me to get away from the comfort zone that is home. As much of an independent person as I've been all my life, I've always had that comfortable safety net to fall back on at home. In Hartford, I am truly making an individual life for myself, and the trials and tribulations are hopefully contributing to a more meaningful life experience.
Moreover, Hartford has allowed me to gain a more unique perspective in life - one that I might have missed had I been in MA for the summer. This unique perspective likely stems from having to live in Hartford while working at an unpaid internship. The fact that I have no income stream is seriously contributing to a rather different lifestyle - one that I have never been accustomed to. No longer am I able to simply go out with friends and spend a night on the town. On the one hand, going out is expensive, and living in Hartford with no paying job has made me extremely cognizant of my expenditures. On the other hand, I haven't quite found that one group of people in Hartford that I can consistently rely on for social purposes. As such, I don't have quite the pressures to go out and be social.
As a result, I have been living a relatively cheap life in a rather unremarkable city. I bike everywhere, thus saving on gas and deterioration on my car. Moreover, I spend a lot more time at the gym, which has provided an outlet for me to pursue an active lifestyle that I hope to continue for the long term. Hopefully, this shift to cognizant spending will carry into the future, which is what I think is the paramount reason why I am in Hartford. I'm learning to live a life free from extraneous desires for all that is luxurious. I don't need fancy clothes, a nice car, or even a decadent apartment. More than anything, living the life of a poor student on my own, has made me realize what is important in my life: people, people, and people. No matter where I am, it's the people around me who ultimately define me, and not necessarily what I can purchase with wealth. In the end, I hope to respect -- and have that respect reciprocated -- from people that are around me, and I want that respect to stem from what I do as opposed to what I have. Hopefully, I'll be able to remember this part of my life when I do in fact become successful (sooner rather than later!). Perhaps this realization is the true reason why I'm here in Hartford, the rising star of New England.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
Home
I miss home - a lot. More than anything, it represents everything that stood in place before I started law school. While in law school, the focus was study, and there wasn't very much variation from the day to day operations in the study of law. In fact, we ate, breathed, and slept law - even dreaming about it many times.
Home, on the other hand, represents everything else that isn't related to law school. Before the start of law school, I had diversity in my life: friends, family, sports, balance. However, during law school, I struggled to find the same support system that is readily available at home. Whereas in law school, my support primarily comes from my gf, home provides the support stemming from everything else that comprised of my life, which I miss sorely. I love being able to take my dog out to the Charles, and enjoy the brisk breeze that the beautiful river has to offer. I miss the fact that I can bike along the paths parallel to the Charles, all the while taking in the beautiful sights and sounds of Spring along the Charles. Most of all, I miss being able to involve myself in all facets of life that do not remind me of law school, since nothing in Boston -- in my life at least -- is remotely connected to my life back in Hartford.
I needed this week - more than anything else - to unwind and get away from the law school life. After coming home, and rediscovering everything that made me -- me --I realized that law school really did consume my life. I spent every moment worrying about concepts, black letter law, and grades. I immersed myself in my legal studies, without much insight into the broader picture. Since coming home, all those things about law school -- the grades, the petty drama, and the financial worries -- seemingly melted away. I discovered again that perhaps there is a greater world out there that extends beyond the law school campus. Regardless of my performance this semester, whether good or bad, I want to be able to stay focused and be thankful for all the great things in my life that await me back home. Hartford is foreign to me, and I need to try my best to stay focused on my purpose there. With that in mind, I also need to remain optimistic, despite the obstacles, that the universe will right itself in the end. I hope that it will be sooner rather than later.
Home, on the other hand, represents everything else that isn't related to law school. Before the start of law school, I had diversity in my life: friends, family, sports, balance. However, during law school, I struggled to find the same support system that is readily available at home. Whereas in law school, my support primarily comes from my gf, home provides the support stemming from everything else that comprised of my life, which I miss sorely. I love being able to take my dog out to the Charles, and enjoy the brisk breeze that the beautiful river has to offer. I miss the fact that I can bike along the paths parallel to the Charles, all the while taking in the beautiful sights and sounds of Spring along the Charles. Most of all, I miss being able to involve myself in all facets of life that do not remind me of law school, since nothing in Boston -- in my life at least -- is remotely connected to my life back in Hartford.
I needed this week - more than anything else - to unwind and get away from the law school life. After coming home, and rediscovering everything that made me -- me --I realized that law school really did consume my life. I spent every moment worrying about concepts, black letter law, and grades. I immersed myself in my legal studies, without much insight into the broader picture. Since coming home, all those things about law school -- the grades, the petty drama, and the financial worries -- seemingly melted away. I discovered again that perhaps there is a greater world out there that extends beyond the law school campus. Regardless of my performance this semester, whether good or bad, I want to be able to stay focused and be thankful for all the great things in my life that await me back home. Hartford is foreign to me, and I need to try my best to stay focused on my purpose there. With that in mind, I also need to remain optimistic, despite the obstacles, that the universe will right itself in the end. I hope that it will be sooner rather than later.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Post 1L
I'm in a state of limbo right now. My first year of law school was completed almost one week ago, and ever since then, I feel like I have been lost. The immensely structured days, copious amounts of reading and outlining, and countless hours spent trying to understand the law are behind me for the time being. Instead, those activities have been replaced by mindless television viewing and random social interaction. In fact, when I was in Ohio for the weekend, it was an awkward feeling to not have any specific time constraints in all that I did. In short, it was strange to transition from such a structured environment to one lacking any structure at all.
Of course, this freedom will be temporary, as I am poised to start my position at the US Attorney's Office in less than a week. The down time has given me many instances in which to reflect on my experience as a first year law student. I think what this year all boils down to is that the pundits had it right: Law school -- at least in the first year -- sucks.
As I sit here in limbo typing, I can't help but reflect negatively on this school year. There are many factors that may have contributed to why I have been overwhelmingly negative towards my first year of law school, and not all of it stems from the fact that I don't have any confidence in my academic performance. I'm certain that my academic performance played a significant role in why I feel this way.
For the first time in my life, it seemed like effort did not automatically translate into results. This anomaly made me question my abilities constantly, which was frustrating altogether. I came into law school confident, poised, and motivated to tackle the challenges ahead of me. I sacrificed my time, my life, and structured my schedule so that I would be well positioned to "succeed". Of course, none of that panned out, which makes me question the validity of my approach, not to mention my particular level of intelligence. The fact that I'm writing this prior to my grades coming out for this past semester, speaks volumes about my experience as a first year.
In addition to the grade factor -- which, now that I think about it, is the direct source of why I feel the way I do -- is the confidence issue, and the economic issue. As I articulated above, the effort I put in was not reflected in the end results. As such, I have lost much of the confidence that I came into law school with. It's particularly disheartening when I see all these people around me -- my fellow peers -- succeed and obtain these great positions in their various legal fields. Granted, I'm not in a bad position by all means, but the fact of the matter is that I'm terrified at things to come, especially if the results do not swing in my favor.
One of my biggest weaknesses is the fact that I care too much about what people think of me, regardless of whether the sentiments are true or not. When rankings come out, and I'm not anywhere near the top half, I know for certain that I will think people will perceive less of me, and that's going to crush my spirit even further. In all, I am particularly doubtful of my abilities to become a successful attorney after graduation.
Another reason why I appear to be more skeptical than not can be attributed to the state of the economy at this junction. This might sound kind of strange, but I seem to be more psychologically affected by the runaway oil prices, which potentially directly affects the state of the legal job market in two years time. Needless to say, the economic shambles stemming from people's inability to manage money properly, along with the unjustified actions of investment banking speculators, is a direct impact on the available opportunities out there. Silly, I know, but I've adjusted my lifestyle more drastically than many people I know- riding my bike everywhere, and essentially watching almost every dollar that I spend.
Of course, I don't always want to approach life as if the glass is half empty. There are just so many thoughts racing through my mind at any given point in time, that at this particular moment, negativity seems to be dominating. If there is one thing that I learned about myself over and above anything else this year, is that I have a tendency to focus too much on the negative aspects of what makes me, me. Instead of wallowing in self-pity for the run of the mill performance that I sustained this year, maybe I should stop letting grades and academic performance dominate who I am as an individual, and what I can necessarily bring to the table. I need to start moving towards a trend of caring too much what people think about me without actually substantiating those sentiments. Rather, I'll just do what I can, and in the long run, I hope things work out for the better.
Of course, this freedom will be temporary, as I am poised to start my position at the US Attorney's Office in less than a week. The down time has given me many instances in which to reflect on my experience as a first year law student. I think what this year all boils down to is that the pundits had it right: Law school -- at least in the first year -- sucks.
As I sit here in limbo typing, I can't help but reflect negatively on this school year. There are many factors that may have contributed to why I have been overwhelmingly negative towards my first year of law school, and not all of it stems from the fact that I don't have any confidence in my academic performance. I'm certain that my academic performance played a significant role in why I feel this way.
For the first time in my life, it seemed like effort did not automatically translate into results. This anomaly made me question my abilities constantly, which was frustrating altogether. I came into law school confident, poised, and motivated to tackle the challenges ahead of me. I sacrificed my time, my life, and structured my schedule so that I would be well positioned to "succeed". Of course, none of that panned out, which makes me question the validity of my approach, not to mention my particular level of intelligence. The fact that I'm writing this prior to my grades coming out for this past semester, speaks volumes about my experience as a first year.
In addition to the grade factor -- which, now that I think about it, is the direct source of why I feel the way I do -- is the confidence issue, and the economic issue. As I articulated above, the effort I put in was not reflected in the end results. As such, I have lost much of the confidence that I came into law school with. It's particularly disheartening when I see all these people around me -- my fellow peers -- succeed and obtain these great positions in their various legal fields. Granted, I'm not in a bad position by all means, but the fact of the matter is that I'm terrified at things to come, especially if the results do not swing in my favor.
One of my biggest weaknesses is the fact that I care too much about what people think of me, regardless of whether the sentiments are true or not. When rankings come out, and I'm not anywhere near the top half, I know for certain that I will think people will perceive less of me, and that's going to crush my spirit even further. In all, I am particularly doubtful of my abilities to become a successful attorney after graduation.
Another reason why I appear to be more skeptical than not can be attributed to the state of the economy at this junction. This might sound kind of strange, but I seem to be more psychologically affected by the runaway oil prices, which potentially directly affects the state of the legal job market in two years time. Needless to say, the economic shambles stemming from people's inability to manage money properly, along with the unjustified actions of investment banking speculators, is a direct impact on the available opportunities out there. Silly, I know, but I've adjusted my lifestyle more drastically than many people I know- riding my bike everywhere, and essentially watching almost every dollar that I spend.
Of course, I don't always want to approach life as if the glass is half empty. There are just so many thoughts racing through my mind at any given point in time, that at this particular moment, negativity seems to be dominating. If there is one thing that I learned about myself over and above anything else this year, is that I have a tendency to focus too much on the negative aspects of what makes me, me. Instead of wallowing in self-pity for the run of the mill performance that I sustained this year, maybe I should stop letting grades and academic performance dominate who I am as an individual, and what I can necessarily bring to the table. I need to start moving towards a trend of caring too much what people think about me without actually substantiating those sentiments. Rather, I'll just do what I can, and in the long run, I hope things work out for the better.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Citizenship Day
I want to write something down before I completely forget about this whole experience. I just spent the last 8 hours in some town, Ct on the edge of the Connecticut/New York border. The city has many small-town charms, including a vibrant main street populated by a plethora of Portuguese establishments. As part of our public interest writing course, we were volunteered by our professor to assist in National Citizenship Day - a day committed wholly to helping legal permanent residents obtain their US citizenship, for better or for worst. Even though we were all law students, none of us truly had any idea what to expect from this whole experience. For the most part, our training was inadequate. It consisted of a 2 hour training session run by two experienced immigration attorneys who led us through the entire process in an expedited manner. Furthermore, these attorneys constantly emphasized the importance of not making any mistakes on these applications, given the heightened scrutiny legal residents face when applying for citizenship. As such, I came away from the training feeling wholly inadequate; how could someone such as myself, with such limited experience, be able to contribute to such an important decision in someone's life?
When we arrived at the scene, we received very little instruction yet again. After about a ten minute meeting, whereby we met most of the attorneys who were volunteering for the event, we were immediately whisked off to our various positions around the Danbury library. To our surprise, people of all ages lined the hallways awaiting the free help provided by these attorneys. Our volunteer positions were chosen arbitrarily, as we were sent away in groups to assist in client intake, as well as other positions. Since I was among the group of five students closes to the door, the attorneys assigned me to the role of as in client intake. With the commotion surrounding the event, I could not pay attention to the questions that I was supposed to ask these people. We were supposed to make sure that the people standing in line were eligible to apply for citizenship, asking them questions such as "Do you have a green card?" and "What is your age?" Essentially, during the client in takes, we were also supposed to gauge their level of English fluency. Without a basic command of the English language, it would be impractical for them to submit the hefty sum of $675 to apply for citizenship, only to be rejected at the oral interview.
The intake portion of the day was relatively tranquil because I only spoke to about three people. That portion of the day lasted a very short period of time, as I quickly transitioned to client interviewing. Given the sensitive nature of the material, as volunteers, we had to first record information regarding the client's addresses, and employment history for the past five years. Furthermore, we had to record information about their children, as well as their travel history since the inception of their permanent residency. All of this information was recorded on a pre-form, after which we were to transcribe the information onto the actual N-400 form. After this meticulous step, we culminated the process by having one of the volunteer attorneys review the entire process to ensure the form has been completely correctly, and that the clients did in fact, have an opportunity to apply for citizenship.
In total, I assisted in four applications, which I will discuss in length below:
Client 1:
Client 1 was likely one of the most difficult experiences I have encountered. He has been a permanent resident for close to twenty years, and yet, has failed to command some of the very basics of the English language. Even though he understood the majority of what I said, he had extreme difficulty responding to some of the questions on the form. Client 1 is a citizen of Brazil. In the United States, he resides in CT, and from what I could ascertain, he has consistently held a series of seasonal jobs performing mostly landscaping and construction work. In fact, he resides at many of these companies that employ him.
Since his permanent residence in the United States, he has made a consistent effort to return to Brazil at least once per year to visit his family, and in particular, his ailing father. These trips generally last anywhere between three and five months - most often in the off-season when he is not working. His lengthy travel experience surprised me: this man did not strike me as having extra discretionary income. I noticed that he wasn't wearing socks, and yet, wore sneakers that he made into almost slippers. As such, I couldn't help but notice the faint smell of body odor radiating from him. Nevertheless, he has been able to make annual travels to Brazil - a seeming luxury that is generally reserved for more well-to-do individuals. I couldn't help but wonder about the type of income that he generates from his seasonal employment.
What made this experience the most difficult was the fact that he had a weak command of the English language. I could barely understand what he was saying in his low, almost whisper of a voice. I found the ordeal extremely frustrating, as I tried to grasp his story. What frustrated me the most was the helplessness that I felt. Since everyone was so busy, it was difficult to find someone who could translate everything that I was saying. The attorney on staff was talented enough to know and understand Portuguese. However, he was very busy helping others. As such, I was only able to get his attention every so often to help with a particular issue.
I hated that feeling of helplessness. On the one hand, I wished he could have learned English throughout all the years that he has been in the United States. If that were the case, I wouldn't have had to struggle with his intake so much. On the other hand, I understand first hand how difficult it is to get a grasp of the English language. My mother -- who has been in this country for close to thirty years -- also has a very limited grasp of English. The reason for this is partly attributed to her strong ties to her native culture, and partly because of her daily work. As the mother of three, she had to work on a daily basis in order to support her family. As a result, there just wasn't a lot of time for her to devote to English lessons. Thus, even though I wished Client 1 could have taken the time to learn English, I understand much of the difficulty blocking him from achieving the required proficiency.
Client 1 did express to me that he needed an English tutor in order to pass the oral interview portion of the citizenship process. However, I seriously doubt his conviction. He has been in the country for almost twenty years and has yet to learn the required language proficiency. Much like my mother, I doubt he has the energy to work and engage in English classes. As a result, I fear for his ability to gain citizenship based on the interview portion alone. There were other issues involving tax returns, but I won't get into the specifics of that.
Client 2:
Client 2 was relatively easy compared to my first client. Much of the burden was lifted off my shoulders because her husband is a naturalized US citizen fluent in English. He aided me with much of her questions, and for the most part, the question and answer portion went very smoothly. What struck me as particularly difficult in this situation was the question about prostitution. It was an awkward situation because I was uncomfortable having to ask a woman about the topic, not to mention her husband sat there and answered the question for her. I can't imagine what would have happened if she said yes, and her husband didn't know about it.
Because her husband spoke as her interpreter, I felt much more at ease. I was able to be myself with the couple, and even joked about some of the answers that she gave. For example, while we were filling out the section of the N-400 about the spouse's information, we brushed upon the topic of separate addresses. The husband joked about wishing they were living separately, to which I replied, "Fat chance! The best you can hope for is a couple of trips to the couch!" This exchange characterized my overall sentiments with this couple because my personality was able to shine through, which put me much more at ease with the clients.
I rather appreciated my ability to communicate with client 2 and her husband. At the same time, I became much more aware of the importance of being able to communicate in numerous languages. I was very impressed with the attorneys in the clinic because each of them spoke at least three languages. Even though I speak three languages myself, my languages were not generally applicable in this particular setting. As such, this experience may have motivated me to re-learn Spanish - a language that I devoted seven years of my life to learning, but ultimately gave up on.
Client 3:
The final clients I had for today presented by far the most complicated situation that I have had to face. I was presented with a couple who were living together. The two of them have been legal residents for close to twenty years, and both came from Brazil. The woman spoke near perfect English, while the man spoke very little. However, things appeared on the surface to be very straight forward. They have been living together for close to twenty years, and even have to young children together. Both were present at the clinic, and both were incredibly adorable. The man and the woman were not married, which wasn't a significant problem so long as they filed for citizenship separately.
However, upon more consistent questioning, they brought to my attention that they have been filing taxes together for as long as they have been living together. The taxes immediately raised a red flag, and I was confronted with the first of a few major problems. I inquired about this situation with the attorney present, and he simply told me to continue with the questioning. As we progressed through the questions stipulated on the N-400, I soon discovered that the man is actually still married to someone in Brazil. Not only is he not divorced, he has three additional children with that woman!
Immediately, I realized that this case was beyond my limited expertise, and therefore, had to refer them to the present attorney. Out of all my clients, I felt the most sympathy for this couple and their family. First of all, I had a difficult time speaking to the father about his other family because I was unsure whether or not his daughters were aware of his other family. I had no idea whether this was supposed to be a secret. In addition, I wasn't particularly sure if I was hitting a sore patch in their relationship. The intimacy of the questioning certainly made me feel very uncomfortable as a volunteer. I can't imagine how it made the couple feel. Also, they filed taxes jointly not because they were trying to defraud the government. Rather, they held an honest belief that the joint tax return was something they were supposed to do. I would hate to see the US government deny them citizenship based on an honestly-held belief to file joint tax returns. Unfortunately, the attending attorney informed me at the end of the ordeal that complications occurred during their acquisition of their legal residency which virtually makes it impossible for them to obtain citizenship.
At that moment, I felt completely useless. I had just spent close to 45 minutes handling their situation, and in the end, the effort proved futile. I had learned some of the most intimate details about this couple's life - some things that most people would likely not know about. They were willing to share their story because they were confident that their efforts would be rewarded in the end by citizenship, and all the benefits that come along with it. Yet, they were still forced to go home empty handed, and will likely never be able to achieve citizenship. I would hate to be in their situation, after expending so much time and energy into gaining citizenship, only to be turned away in the end.
In conclusion, there are a number of things that I took away from today. First of all, I was impressed with the amount of enthusiasm surrounding the concept of citizenship in this town. Even before the library doors opened, people lined up outside. The amount of people heightened the initial anxiety that I had because I was still unsure about my role in this entire day.
Second, I am truly motivated to gain a better proficiency in English. Even though I speak Chinese, I feel that Spanish would be much more practical, especially if I am going to be in Hartford for the next two years. If I were to gain a far better understanding of the language, I think I would be much better situated to help in future pro bono activities.
When we arrived at the scene, we received very little instruction yet again. After about a ten minute meeting, whereby we met most of the attorneys who were volunteering for the event, we were immediately whisked off to our various positions around the Danbury library. To our surprise, people of all ages lined the hallways awaiting the free help provided by these attorneys. Our volunteer positions were chosen arbitrarily, as we were sent away in groups to assist in client intake, as well as other positions. Since I was among the group of five students closes to the door, the attorneys assigned me to the role of as in client intake. With the commotion surrounding the event, I could not pay attention to the questions that I was supposed to ask these people. We were supposed to make sure that the people standing in line were eligible to apply for citizenship, asking them questions such as "Do you have a green card?" and "What is your age?" Essentially, during the client in takes, we were also supposed to gauge their level of English fluency. Without a basic command of the English language, it would be impractical for them to submit the hefty sum of $675 to apply for citizenship, only to be rejected at the oral interview.
The intake portion of the day was relatively tranquil because I only spoke to about three people. That portion of the day lasted a very short period of time, as I quickly transitioned to client interviewing. Given the sensitive nature of the material, as volunteers, we had to first record information regarding the client's addresses, and employment history for the past five years. Furthermore, we had to record information about their children, as well as their travel history since the inception of their permanent residency. All of this information was recorded on a pre-form, after which we were to transcribe the information onto the actual N-400 form. After this meticulous step, we culminated the process by having one of the volunteer attorneys review the entire process to ensure the form has been completely correctly, and that the clients did in fact, have an opportunity to apply for citizenship.
In total, I assisted in four applications, which I will discuss in length below:
Client 1:
Client 1 was likely one of the most difficult experiences I have encountered. He has been a permanent resident for close to twenty years, and yet, has failed to command some of the very basics of the English language. Even though he understood the majority of what I said, he had extreme difficulty responding to some of the questions on the form. Client 1 is a citizen of Brazil. In the United States, he resides in CT, and from what I could ascertain, he has consistently held a series of seasonal jobs performing mostly landscaping and construction work. In fact, he resides at many of these companies that employ him.
Since his permanent residence in the United States, he has made a consistent effort to return to Brazil at least once per year to visit his family, and in particular, his ailing father. These trips generally last anywhere between three and five months - most often in the off-season when he is not working. His lengthy travel experience surprised me: this man did not strike me as having extra discretionary income. I noticed that he wasn't wearing socks, and yet, wore sneakers that he made into almost slippers. As such, I couldn't help but notice the faint smell of body odor radiating from him. Nevertheless, he has been able to make annual travels to Brazil - a seeming luxury that is generally reserved for more well-to-do individuals. I couldn't help but wonder about the type of income that he generates from his seasonal employment.
What made this experience the most difficult was the fact that he had a weak command of the English language. I could barely understand what he was saying in his low, almost whisper of a voice. I found the ordeal extremely frustrating, as I tried to grasp his story. What frustrated me the most was the helplessness that I felt. Since everyone was so busy, it was difficult to find someone who could translate everything that I was saying. The attorney on staff was talented enough to know and understand Portuguese. However, he was very busy helping others. As such, I was only able to get his attention every so often to help with a particular issue.
I hated that feeling of helplessness. On the one hand, I wished he could have learned English throughout all the years that he has been in the United States. If that were the case, I wouldn't have had to struggle with his intake so much. On the other hand, I understand first hand how difficult it is to get a grasp of the English language. My mother -- who has been in this country for close to thirty years -- also has a very limited grasp of English. The reason for this is partly attributed to her strong ties to her native culture, and partly because of her daily work. As the mother of three, she had to work on a daily basis in order to support her family. As a result, there just wasn't a lot of time for her to devote to English lessons. Thus, even though I wished Client 1 could have taken the time to learn English, I understand much of the difficulty blocking him from achieving the required proficiency.
Client 1 did express to me that he needed an English tutor in order to pass the oral interview portion of the citizenship process. However, I seriously doubt his conviction. He has been in the country for almost twenty years and has yet to learn the required language proficiency. Much like my mother, I doubt he has the energy to work and engage in English classes. As a result, I fear for his ability to gain citizenship based on the interview portion alone. There were other issues involving tax returns, but I won't get into the specifics of that.
Client 2:
Client 2 was relatively easy compared to my first client. Much of the burden was lifted off my shoulders because her husband is a naturalized US citizen fluent in English. He aided me with much of her questions, and for the most part, the question and answer portion went very smoothly. What struck me as particularly difficult in this situation was the question about prostitution. It was an awkward situation because I was uncomfortable having to ask a woman about the topic, not to mention her husband sat there and answered the question for her. I can't imagine what would have happened if she said yes, and her husband didn't know about it.
Because her husband spoke as her interpreter, I felt much more at ease. I was able to be myself with the couple, and even joked about some of the answers that she gave. For example, while we were filling out the section of the N-400 about the spouse's information, we brushed upon the topic of separate addresses. The husband joked about wishing they were living separately, to which I replied, "Fat chance! The best you can hope for is a couple of trips to the couch!" This exchange characterized my overall sentiments with this couple because my personality was able to shine through, which put me much more at ease with the clients.
I rather appreciated my ability to communicate with client 2 and her husband. At the same time, I became much more aware of the importance of being able to communicate in numerous languages. I was very impressed with the attorneys in the clinic because each of them spoke at least three languages. Even though I speak three languages myself, my languages were not generally applicable in this particular setting. As such, this experience may have motivated me to re-learn Spanish - a language that I devoted seven years of my life to learning, but ultimately gave up on.
Client 3:
The final clients I had for today presented by far the most complicated situation that I have had to face. I was presented with a couple who were living together. The two of them have been legal residents for close to twenty years, and both came from Brazil. The woman spoke near perfect English, while the man spoke very little. However, things appeared on the surface to be very straight forward. They have been living together for close to twenty years, and even have to young children together. Both were present at the clinic, and both were incredibly adorable. The man and the woman were not married, which wasn't a significant problem so long as they filed for citizenship separately.
However, upon more consistent questioning, they brought to my attention that they have been filing taxes together for as long as they have been living together. The taxes immediately raised a red flag, and I was confronted with the first of a few major problems. I inquired about this situation with the attorney present, and he simply told me to continue with the questioning. As we progressed through the questions stipulated on the N-400, I soon discovered that the man is actually still married to someone in Brazil. Not only is he not divorced, he has three additional children with that woman!
Immediately, I realized that this case was beyond my limited expertise, and therefore, had to refer them to the present attorney. Out of all my clients, I felt the most sympathy for this couple and their family. First of all, I had a difficult time speaking to the father about his other family because I was unsure whether or not his daughters were aware of his other family. I had no idea whether this was supposed to be a secret. In addition, I wasn't particularly sure if I was hitting a sore patch in their relationship. The intimacy of the questioning certainly made me feel very uncomfortable as a volunteer. I can't imagine how it made the couple feel. Also, they filed taxes jointly not because they were trying to defraud the government. Rather, they held an honest belief that the joint tax return was something they were supposed to do. I would hate to see the US government deny them citizenship based on an honestly-held belief to file joint tax returns. Unfortunately, the attending attorney informed me at the end of the ordeal that complications occurred during their acquisition of their legal residency which virtually makes it impossible for them to obtain citizenship.
At that moment, I felt completely useless. I had just spent close to 45 minutes handling their situation, and in the end, the effort proved futile. I had learned some of the most intimate details about this couple's life - some things that most people would likely not know about. They were willing to share their story because they were confident that their efforts would be rewarded in the end by citizenship, and all the benefits that come along with it. Yet, they were still forced to go home empty handed, and will likely never be able to achieve citizenship. I would hate to be in their situation, after expending so much time and energy into gaining citizenship, only to be turned away in the end.
In conclusion, there are a number of things that I took away from today. First of all, I was impressed with the amount of enthusiasm surrounding the concept of citizenship in this town. Even before the library doors opened, people lined up outside. The amount of people heightened the initial anxiety that I had because I was still unsure about my role in this entire day.
Second, I am truly motivated to gain a better proficiency in English. Even though I speak Chinese, I feel that Spanish would be much more practical, especially if I am going to be in Hartford for the next two years. If I were to gain a far better understanding of the language, I think I would be much better situated to help in future pro bono activities.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Growing up
I was recently compelled to think about the notion of growing up, and how my decisions these days have a greater impact on the rest of my life than in recent years. Although I disagree with this notion, I cannot help but think about how certain decisions will impact my life.
For example, I plan to move in with my law school girlfriend next year in order to save a substantial amount of money. Given our situation, it made more financial sense to split a one bedroom, as opposed to having separate apartments. We didn't exactly arrive at this decision in a cavalier manner; rather, I had given careful consideration to our general personalities, and whether or not we could coincide in peaceful co-existence for an entire year, along with the pressures and workload that come with the second year of law school. On the one hand, we stand to save approximately $3,000/year each, which could turn out to be substantial, especially if next summer doesn't turn out the way I have envisioned. Having that extra cash lying around would serve as a fantastic buffer.
On the other hand, there is always this risk that things 'may not work out'. Surprisingly, this aspect doesn't concern me as much - her and I have this strange understanding, and quite frankly, we have a very laisse faire approach to relationships, which I value completely. It's extremely important to have a similar goal in mind, as well as a similar lifestyle, in order to make any relationship work. More than that, I don't think we necessarily place much emphasis on 'the future', which encompasses life beyond law school. This void allows us to live in the moment, and enjoy each other's company, without the added pressure of 'growing up'.
However, therein lies the problem. I'm sitting here, writing, and it's entirely possible that despite my cavalier approach to life, she may harbor different future goals. After all, I'll be 27 when this whole law school ordeal is said and done, and quite frankly, people start making important decisions with their lives at that age. Heck, people start making important decisions at my age! But if this was an issue, I would ultimately be buying into the societally - imposed values that may not resonate with everyone. Long ago, I figured out that there was no one master key to life. Everyone approaches their set of life circumstances differently, and no two lives are alike. After all, what would be the fun if I were to plan my life exactly.
I never thought I would end up in Connecticut, and chances are, I'm going to be where I want to be after I graduate two years from now. The best that I can do is to make the most out of my particular set of circumstances, rather than force them to fit into someone else's conception of life. Don't get me wrong - I do support having a goal at the end of the tunnel. However, it doesn't matter how I get there, just that I get there in the end.
So to make a long story short, growing up doesn't necessarily require that I have to jeopardize my approach to life to fit someone else's conception of what my life should be. In fact, I don't want to be confined by a set of pressures that don't apply to me. Rather, I guess I'll just have to see what feels right. Moving in with my gf is not the first big step that will lead to even greater life stepping stones. If it happens, so be it - but I'm not holding my breath. I prefer it that way.
For example, I plan to move in with my law school girlfriend next year in order to save a substantial amount of money. Given our situation, it made more financial sense to split a one bedroom, as opposed to having separate apartments. We didn't exactly arrive at this decision in a cavalier manner; rather, I had given careful consideration to our general personalities, and whether or not we could coincide in peaceful co-existence for an entire year, along with the pressures and workload that come with the second year of law school. On the one hand, we stand to save approximately $3,000/year each, which could turn out to be substantial, especially if next summer doesn't turn out the way I have envisioned. Having that extra cash lying around would serve as a fantastic buffer.
On the other hand, there is always this risk that things 'may not work out'. Surprisingly, this aspect doesn't concern me as much - her and I have this strange understanding, and quite frankly, we have a very laisse faire approach to relationships, which I value completely. It's extremely important to have a similar goal in mind, as well as a similar lifestyle, in order to make any relationship work. More than that, I don't think we necessarily place much emphasis on 'the future', which encompasses life beyond law school. This void allows us to live in the moment, and enjoy each other's company, without the added pressure of 'growing up'.
However, therein lies the problem. I'm sitting here, writing, and it's entirely possible that despite my cavalier approach to life, she may harbor different future goals. After all, I'll be 27 when this whole law school ordeal is said and done, and quite frankly, people start making important decisions with their lives at that age. Heck, people start making important decisions at my age! But if this was an issue, I would ultimately be buying into the societally - imposed values that may not resonate with everyone. Long ago, I figured out that there was no one master key to life. Everyone approaches their set of life circumstances differently, and no two lives are alike. After all, what would be the fun if I were to plan my life exactly.
I never thought I would end up in Connecticut, and chances are, I'm going to be where I want to be after I graduate two years from now. The best that I can do is to make the most out of my particular set of circumstances, rather than force them to fit into someone else's conception of life. Don't get me wrong - I do support having a goal at the end of the tunnel. However, it doesn't matter how I get there, just that I get there in the end.
So to make a long story short, growing up doesn't necessarily require that I have to jeopardize my approach to life to fit someone else's conception of what my life should be. In fact, I don't want to be confined by a set of pressures that don't apply to me. Rather, I guess I'll just have to see what feels right. Moving in with my gf is not the first big step that will lead to even greater life stepping stones. If it happens, so be it - but I'm not holding my breath. I prefer it that way.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Current Sentiments
My greatest fear is that I am inadequate.
Law school has a tendency to reduce your semester-long accomplishments and efforts to a mere three hour ordeal. It doesn't matter how much you work, how much you study, or how diligent you have devoted your time to the study of the black letter law. What truly matters is how you perform during that three hour span of time (and in some instances, 24 hour take home exams). Don't get me wrong - I am not saying that law school exams are completely blind.
However, if you admit a group of generally intelligent, hardworking, and disciplined individuals to every incoming law school class, chances are that most of your classmates will be working equally diligently towards these final exams during the end of the semester. At the same time, most of the students tend to be concentrated among a narrowly-tailored admissions criteria, which yields a fairly large group of nearly equally-qualified students, numerically. With the addition of the law school median -- where at least 50% of the class has to get a B and above, or a B and below -- it becomes increasingly difficult to differentiate yourself among your classmates. This differentiation is extremely important because for the most part, your GPA determines whether or not you are even able to secure an interview at well-renowned law firms in the area, and across the region.
Since as a class, we are all presented with the same materials and lectures, it is generally difficult to deviate too far from the normal educational understanding of the subject matter. However, many, if not all students, gravitate towards the use of study aids - most of which generated from a small group of legal publishers. Most of these study aids will have roughly the same information. As such, difficulty arises when one tries to gain a competitive edge among a group of similar-minded, driven students. Of course, there are those who were admitted with far-more qualified numbers. True to their nature, some of these students will go on to perform as they always have in undergraduate. At the same time, others will fall behind. Regardless of the fact, law school is a fiercely competitive environment, even if the surface appears to be peachy, where everyone is friendly with one another.
Unlike undergrad, where students receive a steady stream of feedback from professors, the fate of your law school academic career rests with the final exam only. Therefore, if you fail to perform up to expectations (or get caught up in the median), it takes a relatively long period of time before you are granted an opportunity to prove the extent of the knowledge you have attained during the course of the semester. While that is happening, you get to wallow in self pity; you wonder constantly what it was that you could have done to change the fate of those mediocre grades that have come to characterize your experience as a first year law student. You test out different techniques, rework your schedule, and ultimately play a novice chemist, whereby you constantly mix and match those variables in your life in order to attain the perfect combination of academics and life in general. At the same time, you hope for feedback from that one class that gives you feedback, only for that feedback to disappoint you.
In other words, the measure of your self-worth in law school, is wholly dependent on that single letter grade for each of the ten core classes that most law schools provide during the first year. For many (myself included), that letter grade stays with you for the duration of your time in law school, especially during the first year. The grade comes to define you - acknowledging the fact that you either stand tall and confident among your classmates, or ashamed and timid compared to them. Either way, you find that most students avoid speaking about grades specifically (as recommended by most of the law school administration) for fear of discovering that another student has performed better than you.
I have been living in this environment for the last seven months, and I feel that I have been trapped in this cycle for just as long. From day one, I have tried to work as hard as I could -I studied diligently everyday, I neglected much social activity, not to mention I have passed on income from working in general, in pursuit of this elusive J.D. degree. And yet, it seems as though I have been running on a treadmill this whole time - the increased effort that I exert on the treadmill is not reflected in the distance that I cover. In essence, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to break from the pack. The harder I run, the more elusive solid academic performance seems to be. I can't seem to catch a break, and ultimately, this entire process is discouraging and has made me feel wholly inadequate.
This feeling does not seem poised to go away anytime soon. I have two months before the next set of exams - the next time that I will be able to redefine my self worth. During that time, I will struggle to redefine my study habits, not to mention study to understand and process the legal doctrine that is crammed into my head at an alarming rate day in and day out.
Moreover, throughout this ordeal, I can't help but to re-evaluate my priorities, and the costs and benefits associated with three additional years of post-graduate, professional schooling. Law school is not cheap, and with debt and expenditures approaching six digits, it is difficult to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have no guarantees whether or not I will be able to obtain a law firm job for my second summer, given my mediocre performance during the first semester, not to mention my less than satisfying performance so far this semester (it's funny: this entire entry was motivated by a .5 point discrepancy - the sole indicator of my performance thus far in the semester. This just goes to show the hunger that law school has created in me to seek validation for my life choices).
Meanwhile, I can only hope to continue rediscovering new techniques in hopes of out-working and out-performing some of my classmates, and perhaps finally attain that validation -- the validation to indicate that perhaps there will be fruit to be reaped at the end of this investment -- that I so desperately crave. I don't want my life to revolve around that single letter grade, but it has resorted to that through no choice of my own. I need to break this perpetual cycle.
Law school has a tendency to reduce your semester-long accomplishments and efforts to a mere three hour ordeal. It doesn't matter how much you work, how much you study, or how diligent you have devoted your time to the study of the black letter law. What truly matters is how you perform during that three hour span of time (and in some instances, 24 hour take home exams). Don't get me wrong - I am not saying that law school exams are completely blind.
However, if you admit a group of generally intelligent, hardworking, and disciplined individuals to every incoming law school class, chances are that most of your classmates will be working equally diligently towards these final exams during the end of the semester. At the same time, most of the students tend to be concentrated among a narrowly-tailored admissions criteria, which yields a fairly large group of nearly equally-qualified students, numerically. With the addition of the law school median -- where at least 50% of the class has to get a B and above, or a B and below -- it becomes increasingly difficult to differentiate yourself among your classmates. This differentiation is extremely important because for the most part, your GPA determines whether or not you are even able to secure an interview at well-renowned law firms in the area, and across the region.
Since as a class, we are all presented with the same materials and lectures, it is generally difficult to deviate too far from the normal educational understanding of the subject matter. However, many, if not all students, gravitate towards the use of study aids - most of which generated from a small group of legal publishers. Most of these study aids will have roughly the same information. As such, difficulty arises when one tries to gain a competitive edge among a group of similar-minded, driven students. Of course, there are those who were admitted with far-more qualified numbers. True to their nature, some of these students will go on to perform as they always have in undergraduate. At the same time, others will fall behind. Regardless of the fact, law school is a fiercely competitive environment, even if the surface appears to be peachy, where everyone is friendly with one another.
Unlike undergrad, where students receive a steady stream of feedback from professors, the fate of your law school academic career rests with the final exam only. Therefore, if you fail to perform up to expectations (or get caught up in the median), it takes a relatively long period of time before you are granted an opportunity to prove the extent of the knowledge you have attained during the course of the semester. While that is happening, you get to wallow in self pity; you wonder constantly what it was that you could have done to change the fate of those mediocre grades that have come to characterize your experience as a first year law student. You test out different techniques, rework your schedule, and ultimately play a novice chemist, whereby you constantly mix and match those variables in your life in order to attain the perfect combination of academics and life in general. At the same time, you hope for feedback from that one class that gives you feedback, only for that feedback to disappoint you.
In other words, the measure of your self-worth in law school, is wholly dependent on that single letter grade for each of the ten core classes that most law schools provide during the first year. For many (myself included), that letter grade stays with you for the duration of your time in law school, especially during the first year. The grade comes to define you - acknowledging the fact that you either stand tall and confident among your classmates, or ashamed and timid compared to them. Either way, you find that most students avoid speaking about grades specifically (as recommended by most of the law school administration) for fear of discovering that another student has performed better than you.
I have been living in this environment for the last seven months, and I feel that I have been trapped in this cycle for just as long. From day one, I have tried to work as hard as I could -I studied diligently everyday, I neglected much social activity, not to mention I have passed on income from working in general, in pursuit of this elusive J.D. degree. And yet, it seems as though I have been running on a treadmill this whole time - the increased effort that I exert on the treadmill is not reflected in the distance that I cover. In essence, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to break from the pack. The harder I run, the more elusive solid academic performance seems to be. I can't seem to catch a break, and ultimately, this entire process is discouraging and has made me feel wholly inadequate.
This feeling does not seem poised to go away anytime soon. I have two months before the next set of exams - the next time that I will be able to redefine my self worth. During that time, I will struggle to redefine my study habits, not to mention study to understand and process the legal doctrine that is crammed into my head at an alarming rate day in and day out.
Moreover, throughout this ordeal, I can't help but to re-evaluate my priorities, and the costs and benefits associated with three additional years of post-graduate, professional schooling. Law school is not cheap, and with debt and expenditures approaching six digits, it is difficult to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have no guarantees whether or not I will be able to obtain a law firm job for my second summer, given my mediocre performance during the first semester, not to mention my less than satisfying performance so far this semester (it's funny: this entire entry was motivated by a .5 point discrepancy - the sole indicator of my performance thus far in the semester. This just goes to show the hunger that law school has created in me to seek validation for my life choices).
Meanwhile, I can only hope to continue rediscovering new techniques in hopes of out-working and out-performing some of my classmates, and perhaps finally attain that validation -- the validation to indicate that perhaps there will be fruit to be reaped at the end of this investment -- that I so desperately crave. I don't want my life to revolve around that single letter grade, but it has resorted to that through no choice of my own. I need to break this perpetual cycle.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Revelation
Since I have been lagging on my entries, I figured this would be a good time to combine two wholly separate entries:
APALSA Conference
Just last week, I attended the APALSA Conference on Law and Public Policy at Harvard Law School with my other fellow Huskies. Unlike last year, I did not feel like the odd ball all-around. Instead, I found it particularly appropriate that I was at this conference with other similarly-situated Asian law students such as myself. The power suits and the recruiters from the nation's most prestigious law firms did not particularly intimidate me as much as they did last year - where I was merely a prospective law student dressed in street clothes.
Nevertheless, the conference did not hold as much significance as it did last year. The two panels that I attended were not impressive: Asian Americans in Law Firms, and Breaking Barriers. The law firm panel was dry, and populated by a group of law students that may not be reflective of the general law school population as a whole. These Asian American attorneys were the exception; each one graduated from an Ivy League law school, which basically meant that their ethnicity probably did not play as much of a role in their hiring process, as compared to their credentials. Needless to say, since I will not share such credentials, I felt that most of their experiences should only be relegated to a strictly Harvard-event. One more thing: The most significant message that I retained from this panel reflects a general consensus in that Asian Americans are well-represented in major law firms in the major metropolitan areas around the country, which means tough luck for me!
As for the Breaking Barriers panel - nothing terribly exciting to report on this front either. However, the one exception was that Dr. Henry Lee - Forensics scientist for the OJ Case - was utterly hysterical. His general demeanor and approach to life was simplistic, and it seemed like he obtained his prominent position based on a series of serendipitous events.
Anyway, aside from the panels, I can't say that the conference was influential in anyway - aside from the keynote speaker. I thought it was particularly fitting for Carol Lam to be the keynote speaker, since I will be spending my summer as a lowly unpaid intern. However, her speech truly resonated with what I hope this summer to be: A great learning experience while doing "the right thing". It seems that with the presence of so many prominent law firms, many Asian American students (myself included...but we'll see if that changes) are drawn to the prestige and money that generally comes along with law firm work. However, there is also a sense of prestige working for the greater good, and doing something that will help you sleep better at night. For many people, this something is different. As for me, I need to discover what that something is.
This leads me to my second topic of this entry:
Fire
I spent last night coming to terms with my own mortality after the plastic ware that I placed under my oven caught fire. The petroleum based plastic melted quickly as my girlfriend was attempting to make enchiladas, resulting in my stove catching on fire. Subsequently, we ran frantically looking to find a fire extinguisher in the building - to which there were none. We called 911, and the firemen ultimately came and put out what should have been a small flame. Needless to say, Walmart is the next destination so that I can purchase my own fire extinguisher.
In the end, the fire burned the stove, and charred the kitchen walls. Black soot was everywhere, most likely stemming from the smoke. The smell of bbq and burnt plastic just permeated the entire apartment. As I wait for the bill from the landlord for the damage, I have been contemplating the sort of things that go through your head when you're faced with the seeming mortality of your life. Had the gas been on, or if there was a leak, the stove could have easily exploded, and my girlfriend and I may have been seriously injured. I should be thankful that the damage was contained, and that we were able to escape safely.
Of course, the only thing that both my gf and I managed to grab were our laptops. Heck, we didn't even put on shoes as we were frantically running around and out of the building! This whole experience made me realize for the first time -- more than anything else -- that I'm not very attached to material possessions at all. The whole time we were standing in the rain waiting for the fire trucks to come, not once did thought of losing my furniture, my clothes, and my television, phase me. This whole thought process could be attributed to the fact that I don't think I own many valuable items. However, I may be able to attribute this to my Buddhist upbringing.
Nevertheless, I think I was supposed to have a point to both of these entries: Perhaps for the first time, I realize that money shouldn't be the driving factor in my career decisions. For the most part, money is generally used to consume in a material sense. Yet, this whole fire incident has taught me that material possessions don't mean anything to me. If I want to read into this further, my instincts instructed me to grab my laptop (which again, could also be attributed to the fact that it was the easiest to grab). The laptop is symbolic of my law school experience because so much of my time has been relegated to typing in front of the laptop - which demonstrates the regard that I hold for law school. Success in law school typically determines class rank and future employment opportunities, which - after undergoing this first semester job search - has also made me realize that where you work is just as important as how much money you get paid. Sure, money is important. However, I get a sense of pride when I tell people that I will be working at the US Attorney's Office this summer...FOR FREE. For those who are experienced in the legal field, they seem genuinely impressed at my soon-to-be summer experience.
Therein lies my revelation. It's not the money that ultimately drives me; it's recognition and respect. When it comes to money, I'm like my dad - there's a certain passion of his that generally involve watches. Other than that, he generally spends his money on very random objects. For example, I came home this weekend and found a new remote in my room for my 10 year old TV. Of course, I realized that I am the same way: Outside of the essentials, including providing for my family - I don't have that desire to buy the latest everything, the nicest clothes, or the newest car. I just want to be able to make a difference, and be recognized for it...and in the end, be respected.
At the same time, there is this nagging pressure that could influence me to take the less-than-high road by succumbing to the draw of the almighty dollar (That is, assuming I even get offered some of those high-paying jobs). The notion of student loans loom over my head, as is the responsibility of taking care of my parents when they get older. We'll see what happens. But I'm confident that things will work out in the end. I don't know how I managed to draw a connection between two wholly unconnected events. Needless to say, I'm thankful that I'm still here, writing these go-nowhere entries.
One last thought: After coming face to face with imminent bodily danger, I think I might just start living my closer to the edge. We'll see how long that feeling lasts for.
APALSA Conference
Just last week, I attended the APALSA Conference on Law and Public Policy at Harvard Law School with my other fellow Huskies. Unlike last year, I did not feel like the odd ball all-around. Instead, I found it particularly appropriate that I was at this conference with other similarly-situated Asian law students such as myself. The power suits and the recruiters from the nation's most prestigious law firms did not particularly intimidate me as much as they did last year - where I was merely a prospective law student dressed in street clothes.
Nevertheless, the conference did not hold as much significance as it did last year. The two panels that I attended were not impressive: Asian Americans in Law Firms, and Breaking Barriers. The law firm panel was dry, and populated by a group of law students that may not be reflective of the general law school population as a whole. These Asian American attorneys were the exception; each one graduated from an Ivy League law school, which basically meant that their ethnicity probably did not play as much of a role in their hiring process, as compared to their credentials. Needless to say, since I will not share such credentials, I felt that most of their experiences should only be relegated to a strictly Harvard-event. One more thing: The most significant message that I retained from this panel reflects a general consensus in that Asian Americans are well-represented in major law firms in the major metropolitan areas around the country, which means tough luck for me!
As for the Breaking Barriers panel - nothing terribly exciting to report on this front either. However, the one exception was that Dr. Henry Lee - Forensics scientist for the OJ Case - was utterly hysterical. His general demeanor and approach to life was simplistic, and it seemed like he obtained his prominent position based on a series of serendipitous events.
Anyway, aside from the panels, I can't say that the conference was influential in anyway - aside from the keynote speaker. I thought it was particularly fitting for Carol Lam to be the keynote speaker, since I will be spending my summer as a lowly unpaid intern. However, her speech truly resonated with what I hope this summer to be: A great learning experience while doing "the right thing". It seems that with the presence of so many prominent law firms, many Asian American students (myself included...but we'll see if that changes) are drawn to the prestige and money that generally comes along with law firm work. However, there is also a sense of prestige working for the greater good, and doing something that will help you sleep better at night. For many people, this something is different. As for me, I need to discover what that something is.
This leads me to my second topic of this entry:
Fire
I spent last night coming to terms with my own mortality after the plastic ware that I placed under my oven caught fire. The petroleum based plastic melted quickly as my girlfriend was attempting to make enchiladas, resulting in my stove catching on fire. Subsequently, we ran frantically looking to find a fire extinguisher in the building - to which there were none. We called 911, and the firemen ultimately came and put out what should have been a small flame. Needless to say, Walmart is the next destination so that I can purchase my own fire extinguisher.
In the end, the fire burned the stove, and charred the kitchen walls. Black soot was everywhere, most likely stemming from the smoke. The smell of bbq and burnt plastic just permeated the entire apartment. As I wait for the bill from the landlord for the damage, I have been contemplating the sort of things that go through your head when you're faced with the seeming mortality of your life. Had the gas been on, or if there was a leak, the stove could have easily exploded, and my girlfriend and I may have been seriously injured. I should be thankful that the damage was contained, and that we were able to escape safely.
Of course, the only thing that both my gf and I managed to grab were our laptops. Heck, we didn't even put on shoes as we were frantically running around and out of the building! This whole experience made me realize for the first time -- more than anything else -- that I'm not very attached to material possessions at all. The whole time we were standing in the rain waiting for the fire trucks to come, not once did thought of losing my furniture, my clothes, and my television, phase me. This whole thought process could be attributed to the fact that I don't think I own many valuable items. However, I may be able to attribute this to my Buddhist upbringing.
Nevertheless, I think I was supposed to have a point to both of these entries: Perhaps for the first time, I realize that money shouldn't be the driving factor in my career decisions. For the most part, money is generally used to consume in a material sense. Yet, this whole fire incident has taught me that material possessions don't mean anything to me. If I want to read into this further, my instincts instructed me to grab my laptop (which again, could also be attributed to the fact that it was the easiest to grab). The laptop is symbolic of my law school experience because so much of my time has been relegated to typing in front of the laptop - which demonstrates the regard that I hold for law school. Success in law school typically determines class rank and future employment opportunities, which - after undergoing this first semester job search - has also made me realize that where you work is just as important as how much money you get paid. Sure, money is important. However, I get a sense of pride when I tell people that I will be working at the US Attorney's Office this summer...FOR FREE. For those who are experienced in the legal field, they seem genuinely impressed at my soon-to-be summer experience.
Therein lies my revelation. It's not the money that ultimately drives me; it's recognition and respect. When it comes to money, I'm like my dad - there's a certain passion of his that generally involve watches. Other than that, he generally spends his money on very random objects. For example, I came home this weekend and found a new remote in my room for my 10 year old TV. Of course, I realized that I am the same way: Outside of the essentials, including providing for my family - I don't have that desire to buy the latest everything, the nicest clothes, or the newest car. I just want to be able to make a difference, and be recognized for it...and in the end, be respected.
At the same time, there is this nagging pressure that could influence me to take the less-than-high road by succumbing to the draw of the almighty dollar (That is, assuming I even get offered some of those high-paying jobs). The notion of student loans loom over my head, as is the responsibility of taking care of my parents when they get older. We'll see what happens. But I'm confident that things will work out in the end. I don't know how I managed to draw a connection between two wholly unconnected events. Needless to say, I'm thankful that I'm still here, writing these go-nowhere entries.
One last thought: After coming face to face with imminent bodily danger, I think I might just start living my closer to the edge. We'll see how long that feeling lasts for.
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