My greatest fear is that I am inadequate.
Law school has a tendency to reduce your semester-long accomplishments and efforts to a mere three hour ordeal. It doesn't matter how much you work, how much you study, or how diligent you have devoted your time to the study of the black letter law. What truly matters is how you perform during that three hour span of time (and in some instances, 24 hour take home exams). Don't get me wrong - I am not saying that law school exams are completely blind.
However, if you admit a group of generally intelligent, hardworking, and disciplined individuals to every incoming law school class, chances are that most of your classmates will be working equally diligently towards these final exams during the end of the semester. At the same time, most of the students tend to be concentrated among a narrowly-tailored admissions criteria, which yields a fairly large group of nearly equally-qualified students, numerically. With the addition of the law school median -- where at least 50% of the class has to get a B and above, or a B and below -- it becomes increasingly difficult to differentiate yourself among your classmates. This differentiation is extremely important because for the most part, your GPA determines whether or not you are even able to secure an interview at well-renowned law firms in the area, and across the region.
Since as a class, we are all presented with the same materials and lectures, it is generally difficult to deviate too far from the normal educational understanding of the subject matter. However, many, if not all students, gravitate towards the use of study aids - most of which generated from a small group of legal publishers. Most of these study aids will have roughly the same information. As such, difficulty arises when one tries to gain a competitive edge among a group of similar-minded, driven students. Of course, there are those who were admitted with far-more qualified numbers. True to their nature, some of these students will go on to perform as they always have in undergraduate. At the same time, others will fall behind. Regardless of the fact, law school is a fiercely competitive environment, even if the surface appears to be peachy, where everyone is friendly with one another.
Unlike undergrad, where students receive a steady stream of feedback from professors, the fate of your law school academic career rests with the final exam only. Therefore, if you fail to perform up to expectations (or get caught up in the median), it takes a relatively long period of time before you are granted an opportunity to prove the extent of the knowledge you have attained during the course of the semester. While that is happening, you get to wallow in self pity; you wonder constantly what it was that you could have done to change the fate of those mediocre grades that have come to characterize your experience as a first year law student. You test out different techniques, rework your schedule, and ultimately play a novice chemist, whereby you constantly mix and match those variables in your life in order to attain the perfect combination of academics and life in general. At the same time, you hope for feedback from that one class that gives you feedback, only for that feedback to disappoint you.
In other words, the measure of your self-worth in law school, is wholly dependent on that single letter grade for each of the ten core classes that most law schools provide during the first year. For many (myself included), that letter grade stays with you for the duration of your time in law school, especially during the first year. The grade comes to define you - acknowledging the fact that you either stand tall and confident among your classmates, or ashamed and timid compared to them. Either way, you find that most students avoid speaking about grades specifically (as recommended by most of the law school administration) for fear of discovering that another student has performed better than you.
I have been living in this environment for the last seven months, and I feel that I have been trapped in this cycle for just as long. From day one, I have tried to work as hard as I could -I studied diligently everyday, I neglected much social activity, not to mention I have passed on income from working in general, in pursuit of this elusive J.D. degree. And yet, it seems as though I have been running on a treadmill this whole time - the increased effort that I exert on the treadmill is not reflected in the distance that I cover. In essence, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to break from the pack. The harder I run, the more elusive solid academic performance seems to be. I can't seem to catch a break, and ultimately, this entire process is discouraging and has made me feel wholly inadequate.
This feeling does not seem poised to go away anytime soon. I have two months before the next set of exams - the next time that I will be able to redefine my self worth. During that time, I will struggle to redefine my study habits, not to mention study to understand and process the legal doctrine that is crammed into my head at an alarming rate day in and day out.
Moreover, throughout this ordeal, I can't help but to re-evaluate my priorities, and the costs and benefits associated with three additional years of post-graduate, professional schooling. Law school is not cheap, and with debt and expenditures approaching six digits, it is difficult to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have no guarantees whether or not I will be able to obtain a law firm job for my second summer, given my mediocre performance during the first semester, not to mention my less than satisfying performance so far this semester (it's funny: this entire entry was motivated by a .5 point discrepancy - the sole indicator of my performance thus far in the semester. This just goes to show the hunger that law school has created in me to seek validation for my life choices).
Meanwhile, I can only hope to continue rediscovering new techniques in hopes of out-working and out-performing some of my classmates, and perhaps finally attain that validation -- the validation to indicate that perhaps there will be fruit to be reaped at the end of this investment -- that I so desperately crave. I don't want my life to revolve around that single letter grade, but it has resorted to that through no choice of my own. I need to break this perpetual cycle.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Revelation
Since I have been lagging on my entries, I figured this would be a good time to combine two wholly separate entries:
APALSA Conference
Just last week, I attended the APALSA Conference on Law and Public Policy at Harvard Law School with my other fellow Huskies. Unlike last year, I did not feel like the odd ball all-around. Instead, I found it particularly appropriate that I was at this conference with other similarly-situated Asian law students such as myself. The power suits and the recruiters from the nation's most prestigious law firms did not particularly intimidate me as much as they did last year - where I was merely a prospective law student dressed in street clothes.
Nevertheless, the conference did not hold as much significance as it did last year. The two panels that I attended were not impressive: Asian Americans in Law Firms, and Breaking Barriers. The law firm panel was dry, and populated by a group of law students that may not be reflective of the general law school population as a whole. These Asian American attorneys were the exception; each one graduated from an Ivy League law school, which basically meant that their ethnicity probably did not play as much of a role in their hiring process, as compared to their credentials. Needless to say, since I will not share such credentials, I felt that most of their experiences should only be relegated to a strictly Harvard-event. One more thing: The most significant message that I retained from this panel reflects a general consensus in that Asian Americans are well-represented in major law firms in the major metropolitan areas around the country, which means tough luck for me!
As for the Breaking Barriers panel - nothing terribly exciting to report on this front either. However, the one exception was that Dr. Henry Lee - Forensics scientist for the OJ Case - was utterly hysterical. His general demeanor and approach to life was simplistic, and it seemed like he obtained his prominent position based on a series of serendipitous events.
Anyway, aside from the panels, I can't say that the conference was influential in anyway - aside from the keynote speaker. I thought it was particularly fitting for Carol Lam to be the keynote speaker, since I will be spending my summer as a lowly unpaid intern. However, her speech truly resonated with what I hope this summer to be: A great learning experience while doing "the right thing". It seems that with the presence of so many prominent law firms, many Asian American students (myself included...but we'll see if that changes) are drawn to the prestige and money that generally comes along with law firm work. However, there is also a sense of prestige working for the greater good, and doing something that will help you sleep better at night. For many people, this something is different. As for me, I need to discover what that something is.
This leads me to my second topic of this entry:
Fire
I spent last night coming to terms with my own mortality after the plastic ware that I placed under my oven caught fire. The petroleum based plastic melted quickly as my girlfriend was attempting to make enchiladas, resulting in my stove catching on fire. Subsequently, we ran frantically looking to find a fire extinguisher in the building - to which there were none. We called 911, and the firemen ultimately came and put out what should have been a small flame. Needless to say, Walmart is the next destination so that I can purchase my own fire extinguisher.
In the end, the fire burned the stove, and charred the kitchen walls. Black soot was everywhere, most likely stemming from the smoke. The smell of bbq and burnt plastic just permeated the entire apartment. As I wait for the bill from the landlord for the damage, I have been contemplating the sort of things that go through your head when you're faced with the seeming mortality of your life. Had the gas been on, or if there was a leak, the stove could have easily exploded, and my girlfriend and I may have been seriously injured. I should be thankful that the damage was contained, and that we were able to escape safely.
Of course, the only thing that both my gf and I managed to grab were our laptops. Heck, we didn't even put on shoes as we were frantically running around and out of the building! This whole experience made me realize for the first time -- more than anything else -- that I'm not very attached to material possessions at all. The whole time we were standing in the rain waiting for the fire trucks to come, not once did thought of losing my furniture, my clothes, and my television, phase me. This whole thought process could be attributed to the fact that I don't think I own many valuable items. However, I may be able to attribute this to my Buddhist upbringing.
Nevertheless, I think I was supposed to have a point to both of these entries: Perhaps for the first time, I realize that money shouldn't be the driving factor in my career decisions. For the most part, money is generally used to consume in a material sense. Yet, this whole fire incident has taught me that material possessions don't mean anything to me. If I want to read into this further, my instincts instructed me to grab my laptop (which again, could also be attributed to the fact that it was the easiest to grab). The laptop is symbolic of my law school experience because so much of my time has been relegated to typing in front of the laptop - which demonstrates the regard that I hold for law school. Success in law school typically determines class rank and future employment opportunities, which - after undergoing this first semester job search - has also made me realize that where you work is just as important as how much money you get paid. Sure, money is important. However, I get a sense of pride when I tell people that I will be working at the US Attorney's Office this summer...FOR FREE. For those who are experienced in the legal field, they seem genuinely impressed at my soon-to-be summer experience.
Therein lies my revelation. It's not the money that ultimately drives me; it's recognition and respect. When it comes to money, I'm like my dad - there's a certain passion of his that generally involve watches. Other than that, he generally spends his money on very random objects. For example, I came home this weekend and found a new remote in my room for my 10 year old TV. Of course, I realized that I am the same way: Outside of the essentials, including providing for my family - I don't have that desire to buy the latest everything, the nicest clothes, or the newest car. I just want to be able to make a difference, and be recognized for it...and in the end, be respected.
At the same time, there is this nagging pressure that could influence me to take the less-than-high road by succumbing to the draw of the almighty dollar (That is, assuming I even get offered some of those high-paying jobs). The notion of student loans loom over my head, as is the responsibility of taking care of my parents when they get older. We'll see what happens. But I'm confident that things will work out in the end. I don't know how I managed to draw a connection between two wholly unconnected events. Needless to say, I'm thankful that I'm still here, writing these go-nowhere entries.
One last thought: After coming face to face with imminent bodily danger, I think I might just start living my closer to the edge. We'll see how long that feeling lasts for.
APALSA Conference
Just last week, I attended the APALSA Conference on Law and Public Policy at Harvard Law School with my other fellow Huskies. Unlike last year, I did not feel like the odd ball all-around. Instead, I found it particularly appropriate that I was at this conference with other similarly-situated Asian law students such as myself. The power suits and the recruiters from the nation's most prestigious law firms did not particularly intimidate me as much as they did last year - where I was merely a prospective law student dressed in street clothes.
Nevertheless, the conference did not hold as much significance as it did last year. The two panels that I attended were not impressive: Asian Americans in Law Firms, and Breaking Barriers. The law firm panel was dry, and populated by a group of law students that may not be reflective of the general law school population as a whole. These Asian American attorneys were the exception; each one graduated from an Ivy League law school, which basically meant that their ethnicity probably did not play as much of a role in their hiring process, as compared to their credentials. Needless to say, since I will not share such credentials, I felt that most of their experiences should only be relegated to a strictly Harvard-event. One more thing: The most significant message that I retained from this panel reflects a general consensus in that Asian Americans are well-represented in major law firms in the major metropolitan areas around the country, which means tough luck for me!
As for the Breaking Barriers panel - nothing terribly exciting to report on this front either. However, the one exception was that Dr. Henry Lee - Forensics scientist for the OJ Case - was utterly hysterical. His general demeanor and approach to life was simplistic, and it seemed like he obtained his prominent position based on a series of serendipitous events.
Anyway, aside from the panels, I can't say that the conference was influential in anyway - aside from the keynote speaker. I thought it was particularly fitting for Carol Lam to be the keynote speaker, since I will be spending my summer as a lowly unpaid intern. However, her speech truly resonated with what I hope this summer to be: A great learning experience while doing "the right thing". It seems that with the presence of so many prominent law firms, many Asian American students (myself included...but we'll see if that changes) are drawn to the prestige and money that generally comes along with law firm work. However, there is also a sense of prestige working for the greater good, and doing something that will help you sleep better at night. For many people, this something is different. As for me, I need to discover what that something is.
This leads me to my second topic of this entry:
Fire
I spent last night coming to terms with my own mortality after the plastic ware that I placed under my oven caught fire. The petroleum based plastic melted quickly as my girlfriend was attempting to make enchiladas, resulting in my stove catching on fire. Subsequently, we ran frantically looking to find a fire extinguisher in the building - to which there were none. We called 911, and the firemen ultimately came and put out what should have been a small flame. Needless to say, Walmart is the next destination so that I can purchase my own fire extinguisher.
In the end, the fire burned the stove, and charred the kitchen walls. Black soot was everywhere, most likely stemming from the smoke. The smell of bbq and burnt plastic just permeated the entire apartment. As I wait for the bill from the landlord for the damage, I have been contemplating the sort of things that go through your head when you're faced with the seeming mortality of your life. Had the gas been on, or if there was a leak, the stove could have easily exploded, and my girlfriend and I may have been seriously injured. I should be thankful that the damage was contained, and that we were able to escape safely.
Of course, the only thing that both my gf and I managed to grab were our laptops. Heck, we didn't even put on shoes as we were frantically running around and out of the building! This whole experience made me realize for the first time -- more than anything else -- that I'm not very attached to material possessions at all. The whole time we were standing in the rain waiting for the fire trucks to come, not once did thought of losing my furniture, my clothes, and my television, phase me. This whole thought process could be attributed to the fact that I don't think I own many valuable items. However, I may be able to attribute this to my Buddhist upbringing.
Nevertheless, I think I was supposed to have a point to both of these entries: Perhaps for the first time, I realize that money shouldn't be the driving factor in my career decisions. For the most part, money is generally used to consume in a material sense. Yet, this whole fire incident has taught me that material possessions don't mean anything to me. If I want to read into this further, my instincts instructed me to grab my laptop (which again, could also be attributed to the fact that it was the easiest to grab). The laptop is symbolic of my law school experience because so much of my time has been relegated to typing in front of the laptop - which demonstrates the regard that I hold for law school. Success in law school typically determines class rank and future employment opportunities, which - after undergoing this first semester job search - has also made me realize that where you work is just as important as how much money you get paid. Sure, money is important. However, I get a sense of pride when I tell people that I will be working at the US Attorney's Office this summer...FOR FREE. For those who are experienced in the legal field, they seem genuinely impressed at my soon-to-be summer experience.
Therein lies my revelation. It's not the money that ultimately drives me; it's recognition and respect. When it comes to money, I'm like my dad - there's a certain passion of his that generally involve watches. Other than that, he generally spends his money on very random objects. For example, I came home this weekend and found a new remote in my room for my 10 year old TV. Of course, I realized that I am the same way: Outside of the essentials, including providing for my family - I don't have that desire to buy the latest everything, the nicest clothes, or the newest car. I just want to be able to make a difference, and be recognized for it...and in the end, be respected.
At the same time, there is this nagging pressure that could influence me to take the less-than-high road by succumbing to the draw of the almighty dollar (That is, assuming I even get offered some of those high-paying jobs). The notion of student loans loom over my head, as is the responsibility of taking care of my parents when they get older. We'll see what happens. But I'm confident that things will work out in the end. I don't know how I managed to draw a connection between two wholly unconnected events. Needless to say, I'm thankful that I'm still here, writing these go-nowhere entries.
One last thought: After coming face to face with imminent bodily danger, I think I might just start living my closer to the edge. We'll see how long that feeling lasts for.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Silly Boston Devotion
This semester, oddly enough, feels much more stressful than I remembered last semester to be (minus the month leading up to finals). As a result of my mediocre academic performance last semester, I am compelled to do much better this semester. As such, I have placed more pressure on myself to implement the techniques that I should have done last semester. This pressure is making me doubt my abilities, and that in turn, may be contributing to the stress.
More likely, though, the stress comes from finding the summer position. After I was systematically denied from CDI interviews, I started to doubt my abilities, which eventually led to a brief period of utter dejection. Thankfully, that time has passed, but at the same time, I am still overwhelmed with that feeling periodically. CDI was a wake-up call, or was it? I am a firm believer that all things happen for a reason, and although it would have been very pleasant to get paid lawyer wages as a first year, in the long run, it probably wouldn't matter as much.
Maybe someone up there wants me to do something worthwhile, and more aligned with my values, instead of focusing on the money. I thought I found that calling when I applied to the Asian Outreach Unit. Unfortunately, that avenue hasn't panned out the way that I had envisioned; The director has been extremely reluctant to get back to me within a reasonable period, and I, in turn, continue to doubt my performance during that interview. The flashbacks have been a constant sore-reminder of how poorly I may have sold myself for the position. Again, reason for this?
Well, this brings me my actual point of this entry, which revolves around the US Attorneys' Office. I was extremely excited to receive the offer two days ago, and at the same time, very hesitant to accept the offer on the spot. Something in the back of my mind told me that I really wanted to be in Boston, and that I should wait for the GBLS to call me before making a well-informed decision. As the days past, it became increasingly unlikely that I was going to receive a favorable phone call from them. This got me thinking about the possibilities of staying in Hartford for the summer -- without pay.
The US Attorney's Office may not be exactly aligned with my ambitions (which, to tell you the truth, has been wavering). However, the position, even though unpaid, offers the exposure that I really need at this point in my career. I will have access to talented attorneys who handle a wide range of cases. At the same time, I will be entrusted with meaningful assignments which will cultivate my legal skills. I will also have un-parallel access to judges at the federal level, which will be fantastic. The only draw-back is the fact that I won't get paid (not terribly important because I think I'm a decent financial standing) and I won't be in Boston to make the necessary contacts I want to make for next summer.
This concern troubles me. It seems that for one reason or another, I have always felt compelled to return to Boston -- my ultimate comfort zone. Familiarity with the region, friends, and family all contribute to the reason that I have always wanted to return. I managed to pass up a wonderful opportunity to stay in Beijing to do something utterly incredible...just so I can return to Boston for a mediocre internship. During my post-collegiate job search, I was compelled to return to Boston, and perhaps overlooked numerous different opportunities in various places. Now, I am still entertaining the notion of returning to Boston for an opportunity that's not quite there. Yet, I was actually willing to overlook a fantastic opportunity with the US Attorney's Office, just so I can feel comfortable in a place that I know and love.
Well, like all things, law school is temporary, and lost money can always be made further down the line. My only wish is that my decision to work in Hartford won't actually cut off my opportunities to be in Boston next summer. Before I even get there, I have to make sure that I am well-positioned to make that push and be competitive in a very tough Boston market. I find myself floundering in my motivation,but I only hope that this moderate glitch is temporary. I need to do what is best for myself, and that shall most likely include more academic focus, and most of all, looking forward to a fantastic learning experience in Hartford this summer.
More likely, though, the stress comes from finding the summer position. After I was systematically denied from CDI interviews, I started to doubt my abilities, which eventually led to a brief period of utter dejection. Thankfully, that time has passed, but at the same time, I am still overwhelmed with that feeling periodically. CDI was a wake-up call, or was it? I am a firm believer that all things happen for a reason, and although it would have been very pleasant to get paid lawyer wages as a first year, in the long run, it probably wouldn't matter as much.
Maybe someone up there wants me to do something worthwhile, and more aligned with my values, instead of focusing on the money. I thought I found that calling when I applied to the Asian Outreach Unit. Unfortunately, that avenue hasn't panned out the way that I had envisioned; The director has been extremely reluctant to get back to me within a reasonable period, and I, in turn, continue to doubt my performance during that interview. The flashbacks have been a constant sore-reminder of how poorly I may have sold myself for the position. Again, reason for this?
Well, this brings me my actual point of this entry, which revolves around the US Attorneys' Office. I was extremely excited to receive the offer two days ago, and at the same time, very hesitant to accept the offer on the spot. Something in the back of my mind told me that I really wanted to be in Boston, and that I should wait for the GBLS to call me before making a well-informed decision. As the days past, it became increasingly unlikely that I was going to receive a favorable phone call from them. This got me thinking about the possibilities of staying in Hartford for the summer -- without pay.
The US Attorney's Office may not be exactly aligned with my ambitions (which, to tell you the truth, has been wavering). However, the position, even though unpaid, offers the exposure that I really need at this point in my career. I will have access to talented attorneys who handle a wide range of cases. At the same time, I will be entrusted with meaningful assignments which will cultivate my legal skills. I will also have un-parallel access to judges at the federal level, which will be fantastic. The only draw-back is the fact that I won't get paid (not terribly important because I think I'm a decent financial standing) and I won't be in Boston to make the necessary contacts I want to make for next summer.
This concern troubles me. It seems that for one reason or another, I have always felt compelled to return to Boston -- my ultimate comfort zone. Familiarity with the region, friends, and family all contribute to the reason that I have always wanted to return. I managed to pass up a wonderful opportunity to stay in Beijing to do something utterly incredible...just so I can return to Boston for a mediocre internship. During my post-collegiate job search, I was compelled to return to Boston, and perhaps overlooked numerous different opportunities in various places. Now, I am still entertaining the notion of returning to Boston for an opportunity that's not quite there. Yet, I was actually willing to overlook a fantastic opportunity with the US Attorney's Office, just so I can feel comfortable in a place that I know and love.
Well, like all things, law school is temporary, and lost money can always be made further down the line. My only wish is that my decision to work in Hartford won't actually cut off my opportunities to be in Boston next summer. Before I even get there, I have to make sure that I am well-positioned to make that push and be competitive in a very tough Boston market. I find myself floundering in my motivation,but I only hope that this moderate glitch is temporary. I need to do what is best for myself, and that shall most likely include more academic focus, and most of all, looking forward to a fantastic learning experience in Hartford this summer.
Friday, February 15, 2008
US Attorney's Office
Before my memory slips away from me, I want to write down some of the impressions that I got from my interview at the US Attorney's Office in Hartford. I am still awaiting an official accept/reject from the Greater Boston Legal Services. They seem to be waiting for someone else to make a decision before they can make a decision regarding my candidacy. As much as I want to be in Boston and work with the Asian community there, I find myself gravitating towards the opportunity at the US Attorney's office. Should I get this position, they will offer a substantial amount of substantive training as it relates to research and writing. In addition to the training, there is a certain kind of prestige surrounding the office, which I think will help me with my summer job search the following year. I harbor a perception that the work at the office will be infinitely more interesting than anywhere else.
Physically, the building is unimpressive. I must be spoiled with regard to private corporate buildings in which I have become accustomed. Hallways were half-finished, and the general fixtures didn't quite match up to the prestige of the office. I found myself inside a waiting room that resembled a doctor's office. Fortunately, after proceeding past that initial small waiting room, I was lead into a much larger portion of the office that remotely resembles a scene from a typical Hollywood portrayal of what a government building should look like.
The interviews went very well, as far as I can tell. I found myself not speaking very much throughout the first interview. The majority of the speaking came from the interviewer herself. I managed to learn a lot about her background in tax, as well as her stint in the USDOJ in Washington. Furthermore, she proceeded with an extremely lengthy description of the actual job description, not to mention some details about particular cases that were pending in the court docket. The actual facts of the case were reminiscent of Enron, as it does relate to corporate fraud. She was extremely down to earth, and appeared to be rather empathetic of the whole 1L experience, which is particularly beneficial.
Unfortunately, 3/4 of the way through the interview, the phone rang, and I was left wandering the office with my eyes, whereupon I caught a glimpse of some of her legal references on the book shelf, as well as pictures of her infant son. I don't recall the last time I had an interviewer answer the phone at length during the actual interview. Nevertheless, I got an extremely favorable impression from her not only because she seemed genuinely friendly and approachable, but also because she made note of the quality writing sample that I had submitted.
The next interviewer was slightly more intimidating. She spoke with a certain type of eloquence and confidence and it made her appear much more authoritative (despite the fact that she is a small lady) than the first interviewer. Similar to the first interview, I didn't get to speak very much - but found that I was able to insert certain parts of my qualifications into the interview, such as my experience working in a time-line driven, client focused firm, and that I am seeking an opportunity with very broad exposure to the many facets of law.
I managed to inadvertently touch upon her primary area of practice when I mentioned that I enjoy employment discrimination. It turns out most of her work involves employment discrimination, even though I was a little confused when she spoke at length about some of her 'clients'. Who exactly are these clients if you're a government entity? Anyway, she also talked about how she was an engineering major in college, and she had to spend a significant amount of time convincing her potential employers that she was not limited to intellectual property based on her background.
Of course, I always find it strange when an interviewer advocates for another position while you're speaking to them about potential employment. It happened at the GBLS when she recommended working for a judge if I wanted to devote my time to developing my legal writing and research skills. Likewise, this second interviewer recommended that I speak to other people about their international practice (potentially assuming that I want to work abroad at some point given my bilingual or trilingual background). I inadvertently mentioned someone that I had met at an event earlier, and it turned out that she was quite familiar with this particular individual as well. This individual works for a large corporation with many operations in Asia. Even though that is still an interest of mine to work on a broader international scale someday, I have ultimately come to terms with the fact that I have to first build my skill set, and them set upon improving my linguistic capabilities and ultimately, finishing with an international career.
With that said, I'm crossing my fingers for this position. Even though it's unpaid, I think it will offer me the training that I require, as well as the exposure that I crave. I have spent my life chasing the dollar sign (not actually obtaining it), so I want to be able to find that position that will teach me more than it will actually pay me. Nevertheless, I still have to write thank you notes. But for the time being, I'm just going to try to reflect on these interviews.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Humbleness
Law school has a tendency to deprive someone of their own self-esteem. In the past week, I have been overly-conscious of my self esteem, and general self worth. This bout started on Friday after my interview with the GBLS. The position was something that I ultimately desired for the longest time because it would give me the chance to serve the Asian community in Boston in a bilingual setting. Yet, the interview didn't transcend as smoothly as I would have hoped. In between a lot of background information exchange, I didn't think I came across as strong of a candidate as I could have been. I stumbled in my speech, painted myself into a corner with my Chinese verbal skills, and above all, my phone had to ring in the middle of the interview (Nokia's are terrible). Being my own greatest critic, in my mind I failed to come across as an ideal candidate.
So for the last week, I have been running the scenario over and over again in my head. What did I do wrong and what did I do right? As a result, I have been feeling slightly depressed because this position is ultimately what I want to do, and in the place that I want to be. To compound my current bout of self-reflection, I had a meeting with my Civil Procedure professor today to go over my exam. Throughout the semester, the professor had touted his willingness to meet with students to discuss class and career issues. In fact, he made it sound like he was extremely open to students dropping by nonchalantly. Unfortunately, I never did make that effort to meet with him after class, mostly because I am extremely intimidated by his presence. He seems like the type of person to be extremely confident of himself - almost to a point of arrogance. To me, he was virtually unapproachable.
However, I bit the bullet and met with him today in an attempt to better my current semester and beyond. What I got was the inescapable feeling that I was wasting his time. First of all, he had messed up the scheduling, which resulted in extra wasted time. Moreover, i got the sense that he was constantly in a rush; his wife came in, his phone rang, and he his general demeanor indicated to me that he had no interest in meeting with me.
With that said, his substantive feedback was extremely helpful: I need to have a clearer outline, and above all, I need to write better and be more concise in applying the legal doctrine to the facts. However, the feedback wasn't that simple and straight forward. The professor essentially took my exam, and ripped it apart - not once mentioning anything good that came out of the exam. In fact, for the first two pages, he proceeded to dissect the exam in meticulous fashion and as a result, I felt incredibly feeble.
Prior to meeting with him, I had met with two professors, and to my surprise, I was extremely satisfied at the general receptiveness of the meetings, not to mention their providing constructive feedback in an informal setting. The sentiment that I got from this particular professor was quite the opposite: he was generally unfriendly and extremely lacking in his social skills. I could do nothing but sit there and nod and let him do all the talking. Even though the meeting lasted one half hour, it felt like forever.
Needless to say, I won't be taking any more of his classes...ever. As a result of the events from this past week, my self-confidence is severely lacking and I generally don't feel as optimistic about my overall abilities to be in this line of profession. The stress is building. What if I don't get this internship? What will my options be, given the fact that I lack the motivation to look for something else? Actually, I don't have anything planned as for right now, other than an offer from a friend to work for his dad who is a Connecticut judge. The uncertainty is debilitating.
As a final word, I hope this general feeling passes quickly. Prior to meeting with him, I was at least optimistic about what I have to do for this semester to improve. After the meeting, it seems like there is much work to be done. Nevertheless, I'm trying extremely hard to turn this experience into a positive one. In the meanwhile, I will attempt to figure out my summer, and will make a conceited effort to improve based on his comments, with little attention paid to his general unapproachable nature.
So for the last week, I have been running the scenario over and over again in my head. What did I do wrong and what did I do right? As a result, I have been feeling slightly depressed because this position is ultimately what I want to do, and in the place that I want to be. To compound my current bout of self-reflection, I had a meeting with my Civil Procedure professor today to go over my exam. Throughout the semester, the professor had touted his willingness to meet with students to discuss class and career issues. In fact, he made it sound like he was extremely open to students dropping by nonchalantly. Unfortunately, I never did make that effort to meet with him after class, mostly because I am extremely intimidated by his presence. He seems like the type of person to be extremely confident of himself - almost to a point of arrogance. To me, he was virtually unapproachable.
However, I bit the bullet and met with him today in an attempt to better my current semester and beyond. What I got was the inescapable feeling that I was wasting his time. First of all, he had messed up the scheduling, which resulted in extra wasted time. Moreover, i got the sense that he was constantly in a rush; his wife came in, his phone rang, and he his general demeanor indicated to me that he had no interest in meeting with me.
With that said, his substantive feedback was extremely helpful: I need to have a clearer outline, and above all, I need to write better and be more concise in applying the legal doctrine to the facts. However, the feedback wasn't that simple and straight forward. The professor essentially took my exam, and ripped it apart - not once mentioning anything good that came out of the exam. In fact, for the first two pages, he proceeded to dissect the exam in meticulous fashion and as a result, I felt incredibly feeble.
Prior to meeting with him, I had met with two professors, and to my surprise, I was extremely satisfied at the general receptiveness of the meetings, not to mention their providing constructive feedback in an informal setting. The sentiment that I got from this particular professor was quite the opposite: he was generally unfriendly and extremely lacking in his social skills. I could do nothing but sit there and nod and let him do all the talking. Even though the meeting lasted one half hour, it felt like forever.
Needless to say, I won't be taking any more of his classes...ever. As a result of the events from this past week, my self-confidence is severely lacking and I generally don't feel as optimistic about my overall abilities to be in this line of profession. The stress is building. What if I don't get this internship? What will my options be, given the fact that I lack the motivation to look for something else? Actually, I don't have anything planned as for right now, other than an offer from a friend to work for his dad who is a Connecticut judge. The uncertainty is debilitating.
As a final word, I hope this general feeling passes quickly. Prior to meeting with him, I was at least optimistic about what I have to do for this semester to improve. After the meeting, it seems like there is much work to be done. Nevertheless, I'm trying extremely hard to turn this experience into a positive one. In the meanwhile, I will attempt to figure out my summer, and will make a conceited effort to improve based on his comments, with little attention paid to his general unapproachable nature.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Everything Meant to Happen?
The jig is up: I didn't get any callback interviews. Disappointed? Yes - but not to a point of detriment. I'm more jealous of the fact that my other friends managed callback interviews...many of them. I thought I performed reasonably well in my interviews. In the end, there's only so much that I can hope for.
However, I'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. What could be indicative of this ego-buster? Well, for starters, I attended the Boston Lawyer's Group kick-off dinner tonight. Being among a greater number of law students, not to mention a more diverse group of attorneys, has made me realize how much I want to be in Boston after I graduate from law school. In fact, this experience made me envious of the fact that I am not part of the Boston legal community. I am in awe of many of these attorney accomplishments, and it makes me strive to become more than what I think my limitations are.
Last semester, I felt trapped in Hartford, which severely limited my scope. I thought that I could perhaps start my legal career in Hartford, and in essence, thought about settling here. However, what I realized today was that I have no interest in staying in Hartford beyond my three years at the law school. What I truly want is to be back in Boston - among a more diverse, dynamic, and energetic group. I want to be part of the Boston legal community more than anything else. In order for me to get there, I need to work smart this semester. I need to be better than what I think I can be.
In short, I need to perform even above my own expectations. After this interview experience, I realized that I am my own greatest critic. If I don't think I deserve to be at a firm, then no one else should think so either. Before I try to fool someone else into thinking I'm qualified, I have to first past my own mirror test. With that, I leave this entry with three things that will aid me in my ultimate goal of returning to Boston:
1) Write well and develop my analytical abilities
2) Don't sell myself short of my resume
3) Be confident in who I am, and always keep the big picture in mind. Don't let the confining walls of Hartford limit what I ultimately can accomplish.
However, I'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. What could be indicative of this ego-buster? Well, for starters, I attended the Boston Lawyer's Group kick-off dinner tonight. Being among a greater number of law students, not to mention a more diverse group of attorneys, has made me realize how much I want to be in Boston after I graduate from law school. In fact, this experience made me envious of the fact that I am not part of the Boston legal community. I am in awe of many of these attorney accomplishments, and it makes me strive to become more than what I think my limitations are.
Last semester, I felt trapped in Hartford, which severely limited my scope. I thought that I could perhaps start my legal career in Hartford, and in essence, thought about settling here. However, what I realized today was that I have no interest in staying in Hartford beyond my three years at the law school. What I truly want is to be back in Boston - among a more diverse, dynamic, and energetic group. I want to be part of the Boston legal community more than anything else. In order for me to get there, I need to work smart this semester. I need to be better than what I think I can be.
In short, I need to perform even above my own expectations. After this interview experience, I realized that I am my own greatest critic. If I don't think I deserve to be at a firm, then no one else should think so either. Before I try to fool someone else into thinking I'm qualified, I have to first past my own mirror test. With that, I leave this entry with three things that will aid me in my ultimate goal of returning to Boston:
1) Write well and develop my analytical abilities
2) Don't sell myself short of my resume
3) Be confident in who I am, and always keep the big picture in mind. Don't let the confining walls of Hartford limit what I ultimately can accomplish.
Friday, January 18, 2008
The Courage to Fail
The official book of my first semester of law school has closed, and never before have I felt so depressed over my academic record. It's not the law school median that has gotten me the most depressed. Rather, it's the fact that my girlfriend - who I know studied half as much as I did during the first semester - did significantly better than I did academically. Despite my hard work, organized schedule, and my collection of study-guides, I ultimately failed to even break the median once.
In retrospect, it's not that I didn't study enough - it's just that my approach was seriously flawed. I opted for quantity over quality, which came back to bite me in the ass. This past semester was the first time that I abandoned all extra-curricular activities to focus solely on studying, and that may have been a contributing factor to my academic performance. But then again, I don't want to look to any single reason as a direct cause to how I performed.
Truth be told, I was naive and a little bit arrogant. My extensive preparation did nothing but put me in the right mind set. Yet, I didn't do the things that were recommended, nor did I take the time to understand what it was that my professors were looking for in the exams. I did not take the time to understand the depth of the legal analysis that was required to perform well. In that regard, I can significantly improve.
Moreover, I was banking on the rest of my class not being as well-informed about law school as I was - which was a genuine mistake because I understand now that there is no genuine substitution for analytical abilities. This skill is something that I need to work on, and something that I can improve dramatically. Law school is filled with smart people, and for this particular law school, the people are incredibly bright and talented. I was foolish to think that a little bit of information ahead of time would be able to put me on the fast track to academic success.
As I said earlier, I have never been so depressed about my academic performance, and a lot of that has to do with my on-campus interviews this past week. The grades were always hanging in the back of my head, yet I was interviewing for firms that I know won't hire me, based on my grades alone. The experience was almost as if I was starving on a desert island, and I could see a basket of my favorite foods only a few feet away from me, but I was to weak and the basket was just out of reach. What a tease.
There was one high point of my interviews, despite the fact that I most likely won't get any call-backs. My conversation with a partner at Day Pitney (as well as my conversation with a vice president at The Hartford) truly helped put some of my fears into perspective. Day Pitney shared her struggles as a law student in Boston, as well as her academic and social struggles at Dartmouth. She conveyed the message to me that grades aren't necessarily reflective of one's ability, given the fact that she too, was the subject to the harshness of the law school median. Listening to her talk (which is strange because interviews should be about me...I guess I failed in that respect) put a lot of my fears at ease. Then again, it was I who brought up the subject of my greatest weakness (way to end the conversation, right?) about my grades. However, I was compelled to share, because it is a sore spot, and something that I need to tackle head on.
Finally, The Hartford responded to my question of "what is the one advice you can give that you wish you knew in law school" with "don't worry about the little things in law school. I am here at this law school for a reason. In the long run, everything will just work out." The words were comforting, but not necessarily for someone who's the first person in their family to pursue one of the most grueling professions out there.
As I look forward to my next semester, I need to concentrate more on what makes my professors tick, and also understand the type and depth of the analysis that is required. This feeling of failure in my first semester is awful, and certainly something that I don't want to feel ever again. However, it is important for me to have that courage to fail, for otherwise, I won't have the right motivation to succeed in the end.
In retrospect, it's not that I didn't study enough - it's just that my approach was seriously flawed. I opted for quantity over quality, which came back to bite me in the ass. This past semester was the first time that I abandoned all extra-curricular activities to focus solely on studying, and that may have been a contributing factor to my academic performance. But then again, I don't want to look to any single reason as a direct cause to how I performed.
Truth be told, I was naive and a little bit arrogant. My extensive preparation did nothing but put me in the right mind set. Yet, I didn't do the things that were recommended, nor did I take the time to understand what it was that my professors were looking for in the exams. I did not take the time to understand the depth of the legal analysis that was required to perform well. In that regard, I can significantly improve.
Moreover, I was banking on the rest of my class not being as well-informed about law school as I was - which was a genuine mistake because I understand now that there is no genuine substitution for analytical abilities. This skill is something that I need to work on, and something that I can improve dramatically. Law school is filled with smart people, and for this particular law school, the people are incredibly bright and talented. I was foolish to think that a little bit of information ahead of time would be able to put me on the fast track to academic success.
As I said earlier, I have never been so depressed about my academic performance, and a lot of that has to do with my on-campus interviews this past week. The grades were always hanging in the back of my head, yet I was interviewing for firms that I know won't hire me, based on my grades alone. The experience was almost as if I was starving on a desert island, and I could see a basket of my favorite foods only a few feet away from me, but I was to weak and the basket was just out of reach. What a tease.
There was one high point of my interviews, despite the fact that I most likely won't get any call-backs. My conversation with a partner at Day Pitney (as well as my conversation with a vice president at The Hartford) truly helped put some of my fears into perspective. Day Pitney shared her struggles as a law student in Boston, as well as her academic and social struggles at Dartmouth. She conveyed the message to me that grades aren't necessarily reflective of one's ability, given the fact that she too, was the subject to the harshness of the law school median. Listening to her talk (which is strange because interviews should be about me...I guess I failed in that respect) put a lot of my fears at ease. Then again, it was I who brought up the subject of my greatest weakness (way to end the conversation, right?) about my grades. However, I was compelled to share, because it is a sore spot, and something that I need to tackle head on.
Finally, The Hartford responded to my question of "what is the one advice you can give that you wish you knew in law school" with "don't worry about the little things in law school. I am here at this law school for a reason. In the long run, everything will just work out." The words were comforting, but not necessarily for someone who's the first person in their family to pursue one of the most grueling professions out there.
As I look forward to my next semester, I need to concentrate more on what makes my professors tick, and also understand the type and depth of the analysis that is required. This feeling of failure in my first semester is awful, and certainly something that I don't want to feel ever again. However, it is important for me to have that courage to fail, for otherwise, I won't have the right motivation to succeed in the end.
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