Legal motivation

For as long as I can remember after college graduation, I have been immersed in this dreary world of law school preparation and the application process. I can still remember the many hours I spent reading outside on the Boston Common in an attempt to familiarize myself with the LSAT's, the god-awful LSAT course that I took for one month in September 2005, and the countless hours I spent at home taking practice test over practice test until my mind just gave out on me.

Even as I tried to score perfectly on this exam, I still managed to fall WELL short of my goal. Nevertheless, I put that notion behind me and instead, decided to concentrate on the 'soft' portions of my application - personal statement, letters of recommendation, work experience, volunteer experience, and generally anything that I thought would help me gain an edge in the law school admissions process.

It has been nearly two years since I graduated college, and this whole ordeal is sooner or later coming to an imminent end. I have been so focused on getting into a decent law school, that I have seemingly placed my life on hold. In particular, when I was writing my personal statement, I felt completely detached from the world. Never have I spent so much time focused on writing a two page essay that was only supposed to convey what I am supposed to know best - my life. With all events in one's life that influences the important decisions that ultimately leads one to their current life, how do you exactly pin point the tiny aspect that you think an admissions officer would care to read?

I happened to choose the two weeks that I spent in Vietnam as a focal point in my personal statement and how that experience essentially allowed me to reevaluate the life that I have come to live up until that point. The theme mainly revolved around overcoming obstacles, and realizing that in the end, my family and its background is ultimately one that should serve as an underlying motivation to succeed in what I do - because many of them may not be presented the same opportunities as I have.

Nevertheless, that essay took me roughly three months to write, re-write, rip apart, re-write, and edit again until I managed to find what I thought was perfection. As a result of the editing process, there were probably 15 more people than I would have preferred who now know about my family history. Of course, I had to complete this ordeal all while trying to balance work, a social life, and the seemingly relentless pursuit of letters of recommendation from the people who held the fate of graduate school admissions in their hands.

When I finally attached the letters to the LSAC website and sent them off to my respective schools, I probably felt the same kind of relief that most aspiring law school applicants felt when they accomplished the same feat - except I didn't. Sure, it was a fantastic load off my shoulders; but the fact of the matter was that the exhileration did not warrant the same kind of relief as my original college application process. Perhaps I can chalk that up to experience. But then again, this feeling may just be a signifier that I am in fact not that excited about law school. But, one may ask, why would I go through all this trouble of applying to law school only to not be excited about going? Wouldn't that constitute a complete waste of time?

Well, since this entry's focal point does not revolve around the logistics of the application process (more to come on that), I can discuss my sentiments with regard to why I am not excited about the prospect of attending law school. For one thing, I have been a walking shell of myself for the past year. Before graduation, I was an idealistic young man who aspired to do such great things - travel the world, undertake a job of great importance, meet a bunch of people, etc...

But the fact of the matter is that I have been stuck in a job that is literally sucking the life out of me. I may have overstayed my tenure at this job by about 8 months - but of course, during most of that time, I was engulfed in my law school application process. Therefore, quitting during that time would be tantamount to being poor, un-motivated, and quite frankly, completely outside of my character. Nevertheless, I have come to loathe my job - not necessarily because of the people that I work with (for the most part, they are a great group of people) - but because I came to learn that I want to have essentially nothing to do with the work that I am doing now.

As I have been told so many times, there are just such greater problems out in the world that grossly eclipses the types of problems that I run into as a paralegal at an IP law firm - having the printer jam every five pages is not what I spent four years in college for. As a result of these daily nuiances, I have become much more cynical to the professional world and that, in turn, as adversely affected my ability to communicate with people - basically the experience has shorted my patience, thereby relegating me to this mean, boring person.

I never thought the day would amount to what I am feeling now. At the same time, because I am so close to my law school goal, I try not to let this radiating negativity bother me as much. Instead, it is hard for me to get excited for the prospect of law school because so far, my overwhelming desire to pursue law school is simply so that I can evade my job. This sentiment should not be the driving desire for me to go to law school - and it is certainly not. But at this point in my life, it appears to be the case.

Give me a couple of months to wind down on this law school application process. Only then will I finally be able to travel and perhaps, for the first time, truly be able to clear my head and focus on the road ahead. In the meantime, I have to suck it up.