End of the First Semester

It's four days until Christmas, and I have yet to feel any sense of the Christmas spirit. For the last six weeks, I have essentially been buried under a state of perpetual studying. Yet, despite all the time invested into my final exams, I still have no idea how I did. On the one hand, I feel good about the quality of my writing, and the depth of my analysis for each of my exams. On the other hand, I am deathly terrified that somewhere along the way, I messed up royally; missed some issues, or did not fully explain them. This dichotomy of possibilities have been tearing at me - making me question each and everyone of my exams.

Nevertheless, I should at least be happy that the exams are over, and the worst is behind me. Never have I devoted so much time to my academic studies. At the same time, never have so much been riding on these first semester grades. Professors (who inevitably are a self-selecting group that did well on exams) reassure us that first semester, and even first year grades, are insignificant in that they won't determine your professional future. Of course, I would love to believe that rhetoric, except for the blaring fact that so much of our first jobs out of law school, rest with our first year grades. This pressure, coupled with the mounting debt that I've succumbed to in pursuing this dream, simply heightens the pressure to do well.

Law school is supposed to change an individual in the way that they think and perceive life. The first year is a right of passage for all those looking to obtain the J.D. At the same time, I would have to say it is also one of the most demoralizing academic experiences for anyone. Prior to law school, I thought that my extensive preparation, and focused mindset would put me ahead of the game. Furthermore, I thought that my relentless studying, along with my legions of study aids, would allow me to arrive at finals seemingly un-phased at the task of law school final exams.

As in many aspects of my life, I was wrong. It seemed that I was glaringly unprepared for the anxiety and the requirements for these exams, particularly because I am still unsure as to the content my professors seek. Then again, a fleeting thought does pass through my consciousness in that I may be possible that since I've studied so much, and prepared so adequately, that what I see as a hole in my exam-taking, may actually be something different altogether. In other words, I hope that what I perceive as shortcomings in my exams, may in fact be because of the extensive preparation of the material and the depth of the subject material, as compared to my classmates. Of course, that would be positive thinking on my end - perhaps an absolute requirement in this land of the de-moralized.

Nevertheless, it's over, and I can say I came out on the other side. However, I have to be back in Hartford within two weeks - certainly not enough time to recover from the perpetual studying and anxiety that has populated my time for the last six weeks. I guess I'll be more engaging later when I actually do find some motivation to write extensively about the conglomerate of thoughts I have in my mind at this present moment.