Post 1L

I'm in a state of limbo right now. My first year of law school was completed almost one week ago, and ever since then, I feel like I have been lost. The immensely structured days, copious amounts of reading and outlining, and countless hours spent trying to understand the law are behind me for the time being. Instead, those activities have been replaced by mindless television viewing and random social interaction. In fact, when I was in Ohio for the weekend, it was an awkward feeling to not have any specific time constraints in all that I did. In short, it was strange to transition from such a structured environment to one lacking any structure at all.

Of course, this freedom will be temporary, as I am poised to start my position at the US Attorney's Office in less than a week. The down time has given me many instances in which to reflect on my experience as a first year law student. I think what this year all boils down to is that the pundits had it right: Law school -- at least in the first year -- sucks.

As I sit here in limbo typing, I can't help but reflect negatively on this school year. There are many factors that may have contributed to why I have been overwhelmingly negative towards my first year of law school, and not all of it stems from the fact that I don't have any confidence in my academic performance. I'm certain that my academic performance played a significant role in why I feel this way.

For the first time in my life, it seemed like effort did not automatically translate into results. This anomaly made me question my abilities constantly, which was frustrating altogether. I came into law school confident, poised, and motivated to tackle the challenges ahead of me. I sacrificed my time, my life, and structured my schedule so that I would be well positioned to "succeed". Of course, none of that panned out, which makes me question the validity of my approach, not to mention my particular level of intelligence. The fact that I'm writing this prior to my grades coming out for this past semester, speaks volumes about my experience as a first year.

In addition to the grade factor -- which, now that I think about it, is the direct source of why I feel the way I do -- is the confidence issue, and the economic issue. As I articulated above, the effort I put in was not reflected in the end results. As such, I have lost much of the confidence that I came into law school with. It's particularly disheartening when I see all these people around me -- my fellow peers -- succeed and obtain these great positions in their various legal fields. Granted, I'm not in a bad position by all means, but the fact of the matter is that I'm terrified at things to come, especially if the results do not swing in my favor.

One of my biggest weaknesses is the fact that I care too much about what people think of me, regardless of whether the sentiments are true or not. When rankings come out, and I'm not anywhere near the top half, I know for certain that I will think people will perceive less of me, and that's going to crush my spirit even further. In all, I am particularly doubtful of my abilities to become a successful attorney after graduation.

Another reason why I appear to be more skeptical than not can be attributed to the state of the economy at this junction. This might sound kind of strange, but I seem to be more psychologically affected by the runaway oil prices, which potentially directly affects the state of the legal job market in two years time. Needless to say, the economic shambles stemming from people's inability to manage money properly, along with the unjustified actions of investment banking speculators, is a direct impact on the available opportunities out there. Silly, I know, but I've adjusted my lifestyle more drastically than many people I know- riding my bike everywhere, and essentially watching almost every dollar that I spend.

Of course, I don't always want to approach life as if the glass is half empty. There are just so many thoughts racing through my mind at any given point in time, that at this particular moment, negativity seems to be dominating. If there is one thing that I learned about myself over and above anything else this year, is that I have a tendency to focus too much on the negative aspects of what makes me, me. Instead of wallowing in self-pity for the run of the mill performance that I sustained this year, maybe I should stop letting grades and academic performance dominate who I am as an individual, and what I can necessarily bring to the table. I need to start moving towards a trend of caring too much what people think about me without actually substantiating those sentiments. Rather, I'll just do what I can, and in the long run, I hope things work out for the better.