The Courage to Fail

The official book of my first semester of law school has closed, and never before have I felt so depressed over my academic record. It's not the law school median that has gotten me the most depressed. Rather, it's the fact that my girlfriend - who I know studied half as much as I did during the first semester - did significantly better than I did academically. Despite my hard work, organized schedule, and my collection of study-guides, I ultimately failed to even break the median once.

In retrospect, it's not that I didn't study enough - it's just that my approach was seriously flawed. I opted for quantity over quality, which came back to bite me in the ass. This past semester was the first time that I abandoned all extra-curricular activities to focus solely on studying, and that may have been a contributing factor to my academic performance. But then again, I don't want to look to any single reason as a direct cause to how I performed.

Truth be told, I was naive and a little bit arrogant. My extensive preparation did nothing but put me in the right mind set. Yet, I didn't do the things that were recommended, nor did I take the time to understand what it was that my professors were looking for in the exams. I did not take the time to understand the depth of the legal analysis that was required to perform well. In that regard, I can significantly improve.

Moreover, I was banking on the rest of my class not being as well-informed about law school as I was - which was a genuine mistake because I understand now that there is no genuine substitution for analytical abilities. This skill is something that I need to work on, and something that I can improve dramatically. Law school is filled with smart people, and for this particular law school, the people are incredibly bright and talented. I was foolish to think that a little bit of information ahead of time would be able to put me on the fast track to academic success.

As I said earlier, I have never been so depressed about my academic performance, and a lot of that has to do with my on-campus interviews this past week. The grades were always hanging in the back of my head, yet I was interviewing for firms that I know won't hire me, based on my grades alone. The experience was almost as if I was starving on a desert island, and I could see a basket of my favorite foods only a few feet away from me, but I was to weak and the basket was just out of reach. What a tease.

There was one high point of my interviews, despite the fact that I most likely won't get any call-backs. My conversation with a partner at Day Pitney (as well as my conversation with a vice president at The Hartford) truly helped put some of my fears into perspective. Day Pitney shared her struggles as a law student in Boston, as well as her academic and social struggles at Dartmouth. She conveyed the message to me that grades aren't necessarily reflective of one's ability, given the fact that she too, was the subject to the harshness of the law school median. Listening to her talk (which is strange because interviews should be about me...I guess I failed in that respect) put a lot of my fears at ease. Then again, it was I who brought up the subject of my greatest weakness (way to end the conversation, right?) about my grades. However, I was compelled to share, because it is a sore spot, and something that I need to tackle head on.

Finally, The Hartford responded to my question of "what is the one advice you can give that you wish you knew in law school" with "don't worry about the little things in law school. I am here at this law school for a reason. In the long run, everything will just work out." The words were comforting, but not necessarily for someone who's the first person in their family to pursue one of the most grueling professions out there.

As I look forward to my next semester, I need to concentrate more on what makes my professors tick, and also understand the type and depth of the analysis that is required. This feeling of failure in my first semester is awful, and certainly something that I don't want to feel ever again. However, it is important for me to have that courage to fail, for otherwise, I won't have the right motivation to succeed in the end.