Silly Boston Devotion

This semester, oddly enough, feels much more stressful than I remembered last semester to be (minus the month leading up to finals). As a result of my mediocre academic performance last semester, I am compelled to do much better this semester. As such, I have placed more pressure on myself to implement the techniques that I should have done last semester. This pressure is making me doubt my abilities, and that in turn, may be contributing to the stress.

More likely, though, the stress comes from finding the summer position. After I was systematically denied from CDI interviews, I started to doubt my abilities, which eventually led to a brief period of utter dejection. Thankfully, that time has passed, but at the same time, I am still overwhelmed with that feeling periodically. CDI was a wake-up call, or was it? I am a firm believer that all things happen for a reason, and although it would have been very pleasant to get paid lawyer wages as a first year, in the long run, it probably wouldn't matter as much.

Maybe someone up there wants me to do something worthwhile, and more aligned with my values, instead of focusing on the money. I thought I found that calling when I applied to the Asian Outreach Unit. Unfortunately, that avenue hasn't panned out the way that I had envisioned; The director has been extremely reluctant to get back to me within a reasonable period, and I, in turn, continue to doubt my performance during that interview. The flashbacks have been a constant sore-reminder of how poorly I may have sold myself for the position. Again, reason for this?

Well, this brings me my actual point of this entry, which revolves around the US Attorneys' Office. I was extremely excited to receive the offer two days ago, and at the same time, very hesitant to accept the offer on the spot. Something in the back of my mind told me that I really wanted to be in Boston, and that I should wait for the GBLS to call me before making a well-informed decision. As the days past, it became increasingly unlikely that I was going to receive a favorable phone call from them. This got me thinking about the possibilities of staying in Hartford for the summer -- without pay.

The US Attorney's Office may not be exactly aligned with my ambitions (which, to tell you the truth, has been wavering). However, the position, even though unpaid, offers the exposure that I really need at this point in my career. I will have access to talented attorneys who handle a wide range of cases. At the same time, I will be entrusted with meaningful assignments which will cultivate my legal skills. I will also have un-parallel access to judges at the federal level, which will be fantastic. The only draw-back is the fact that I won't get paid (not terribly important because I think I'm a decent financial standing) and I won't be in Boston to make the necessary contacts I want to make for next summer.

This concern troubles me. It seems that for one reason or another, I have always felt compelled to return to Boston -- my ultimate comfort zone. Familiarity with the region, friends, and family all contribute to the reason that I have always wanted to return. I managed to pass up a wonderful opportunity to stay in Beijing to do something utterly incredible...just so I can return to Boston for a mediocre internship. During my post-collegiate job search, I was compelled to return to Boston, and perhaps overlooked numerous different opportunities in various places. Now, I am still entertaining the notion of returning to Boston for an opportunity that's not quite there. Yet, I was actually willing to overlook a fantastic opportunity with the US Attorney's Office, just so I can feel comfortable in a place that I know and love.

Well, like all things, law school is temporary, and lost money can always be made further down the line. My only wish is that my decision to work in Hartford won't actually cut off my opportunities to be in Boston next summer. Before I even get there, I have to make sure that I am well-positioned to make that push and be competitive in a very tough Boston market. I find myself floundering in my motivation,but I only hope that this moderate glitch is temporary. I need to do what is best for myself, and that shall most likely include more academic focus, and most of all, looking forward to a fantastic learning experience in Hartford this summer.