First Grades

My first law school grades are in and needless to say, I am not happy. i felt deserving of a higher grade, given the amount of time that I put into studying throughout the semester. At the same time, I knew that there were things that I probably could have improved on, but failed to make the adjustments throughout the course of the 24 hour take home exam period.

Initially, I seemed content with a B - until Berman sent out his email, whereby he explained his usual rhetoric regarding the end all and be all of law school grades. If they weren't important, he would not have spent all that time trying to convince us otherwise. The fact of the matter is that with this grade alone, I've found myself at or around the bottom half of the class - making it plausible that I won't break median if I were to receive any grade lower than a B for the rest of my classes. The one crucial line - at least half of you will receive a B or lower - doesn't sit well with me, given that fully half the class received a B+ or higher...which hurts. I wanted to be one of those students, and I certainly worked for it. Alas, I hope this glitch is only a speed bump, and not truly a sign of things to come. Otherwise, my efforts will be in vain, and it may be difficult to justify my decision to sink so much time and money into my legal career.

End of the First Semester

It's four days until Christmas, and I have yet to feel any sense of the Christmas spirit. For the last six weeks, I have essentially been buried under a state of perpetual studying. Yet, despite all the time invested into my final exams, I still have no idea how I did. On the one hand, I feel good about the quality of my writing, and the depth of my analysis for each of my exams. On the other hand, I am deathly terrified that somewhere along the way, I messed up royally; missed some issues, or did not fully explain them. This dichotomy of possibilities have been tearing at me - making me question each and everyone of my exams.

Nevertheless, I should at least be happy that the exams are over, and the worst is behind me. Never have I devoted so much time to my academic studies. At the same time, never have so much been riding on these first semester grades. Professors (who inevitably are a self-selecting group that did well on exams) reassure us that first semester, and even first year grades, are insignificant in that they won't determine your professional future. Of course, I would love to believe that rhetoric, except for the blaring fact that so much of our first jobs out of law school, rest with our first year grades. This pressure, coupled with the mounting debt that I've succumbed to in pursuing this dream, simply heightens the pressure to do well.

Law school is supposed to change an individual in the way that they think and perceive life. The first year is a right of passage for all those looking to obtain the J.D. At the same time, I would have to say it is also one of the most demoralizing academic experiences for anyone. Prior to law school, I thought that my extensive preparation, and focused mindset would put me ahead of the game. Furthermore, I thought that my relentless studying, along with my legions of study aids, would allow me to arrive at finals seemingly un-phased at the task of law school final exams.

As in many aspects of my life, I was wrong. It seemed that I was glaringly unprepared for the anxiety and the requirements for these exams, particularly because I am still unsure as to the content my professors seek. Then again, a fleeting thought does pass through my consciousness in that I may be possible that since I've studied so much, and prepared so adequately, that what I see as a hole in my exam-taking, may actually be something different altogether. In other words, I hope that what I perceive as shortcomings in my exams, may in fact be because of the extensive preparation of the material and the depth of the subject material, as compared to my classmates. Of course, that would be positive thinking on my end - perhaps an absolute requirement in this land of the de-moralized.

Nevertheless, it's over, and I can say I came out on the other side. However, I have to be back in Hartford within two weeks - certainly not enough time to recover from the perpetual studying and anxiety that has populated my time for the last six weeks. I guess I'll be more engaging later when I actually do find some motivation to write extensively about the conglomerate of thoughts I have in my mind at this present moment.

Thanksgiving

Three months have passed since I started law school, and I find myself home again for Thanksgiving. I haven't been back since my brother's wedding 2 months before. Things seem more different now, as he has moved out, Milo has passed, and in his place, is an English bulldog named Popi.

I remember the days coming home from college for Thanksgiving - it was always exciting simply to make that three hour drive home from Saratoga. In fact, that feeling was apparent before I left from CT. I don't know if it was the three hour drive, or the near fender bender that I experienced on the highway coming home in the midst of the snarling traffic, but things just seemed...different. The house is much quieter and quite frankly, there wasn't a significant angst on my part to seek out long lost friends immediately. All I really wanted to do was sit home, do nothing, and watch television (which I did).

For the past couple of months, I've managed to bury myself in my books to the extent never seen before. Unlike undergrad, I constantly feel the need to be doing something law related at any given time. There is a particular itch that can only be satisfied by doing as such. However, there are times that even though I don't feel like studying, I still do it for the sake of doing it. I'm unsure as to the productive nature of this technique, but I've seemingly placed a severe burden on my shoulders.

For the first time in my life, I've managed to cut out most distractions that have characterized my secondary and undergraduate education; no sports, no job, no extracurriculars, barely a social life, but still a gf to keep my sane. By cutting out these distractions, I can focus exclusively on my studies - which, in turn, has created this tension that I have with myself because I no longer have the excuses that conveniently accompanied my academic life until now. If I fail to perform to these standards, I will have, in essence, failed myself, which is not something that I can take lightly.

Therefore, I've invested the time and the effort. Unfortunately, I don't know how this will all fare in the end. It seems that my class is filled with a lot of very talented, smart, and driven people. I find myself comparing my academic achievements with them all the time, and it just scares me. We have so many ivy-leaguers on my campus, that I can't help but fear the type of competition that is brewing amongst my classmates.

Yet, all I really have is a collective sense of hard work, motivation, and substantial amounts of pre-law school preparation that I'm almost sure many people don't have. Will this different approach to law school work? Or will I be subject to the performances that have characterized my academic achievements in the past?

I have heard that the key to success in law school is doing what you did in undergrad and being comfortable with how you study. To the contrary, I am doing something that I haven't done in undergrad. In the end, I hope it works out. However, until then, I will be relegated to the constant fear of under-performing, coupled with anxiety and nervousness. I have been told to learn to relax, except I can't - not with this year standing between me and my goals.

I think I'll look good in a power suit.

October in Hartford

Strange as it may sound, I've been a law student for over six weeks now. The classes and the format of the curriculum has been everything I've come to expect, thanks in part to the wonderful author of Planet Law School. Hartford has it's charm, but the true benefit of this capital city is the fact that it is not Boston or NYC. Devoid of major nightlife, Hartford is a good place if you want to study and not be distracted from all these factors that make a city, well, a city.

As far as I can tell, the student body lacks the social requisite to rival that of undergrad. The general consensus, it seems, is that students are either too focused on their work to provide a cohesive environment for social events, or they simply lack the capacity to interact without the guiding hand of the undergraduate dormitory environment (or keggers on the weekends in which to co-mingle). Nevertheless, there is a deep division between the sections, utterly leaving half the class completely unaware of the happenings of the other half, merely because the two sections (and the night section) don't come together at any point in time.

Further, the commuter nature of the law school seems to be conducive to the anti-social aura that seems to characterize the law school. I guess that is what happens when a law school stands on its own, far from its parent institution, and which doesn't have the facilities to hold a dorm, thus unable to form a cohesive community.

In place of a live, face to face interactive community, we are left with a community that is predicated on an outdated email system (which I've managed to forward all the mail to my gmail account), not to mention artificially constructed community forums in the shape of facebook. The progression of a physically interactive community to one that is online contributes, most probably, to the seclusive nature of the law school and its student body.

Granted, it could very well be that I am among the masses of anti-socialites. For the first time in my academic career, I have chosen to remain intently focused on my studies alone - barring all other distractions. How this choice will ultimately impact my academic performance remains to be seen. This much I know is true: law school is not a laughing matter. People come to law school (at least the serious ones) because they know what they want in life; everything else gets set on the backburner. Given the innate characteristics of those masochistic people that apply to law school, it should be a well known fact that the law school environment should embody a sense of subverted competition, which I hope will push the envelope in terms of mental development towards the law.

So far, I'm thriving in this environment. The independent nature of legal studies has been conducive to my own independent tendencies. We'll just have to wait and see if this lifestyle will ultimately translate into positive results in the end.

Synthesizing My Workload

So the first week of law school came and went, and nothing truly surprised me. I expected the workload to be heavy, which came to fruition quite quickly, even before school started, when I had to read two books during orientation. Diversity is lacking in the student body, but again, that is to be expected because I'm at a Connecticut state school. It doesn't bother me though, as I feel like I've grown past that stage of awkwardness.

Hartford is pleasant at the moment. The laid back atmosphere as compared to Boston is a welcomed change. I like how so many dining and shopping options are readily available, or at least within a short drive. I also am intrigued by the diversity that this town has - leaving me on my toes more often than none.

The hardest part of law school, on top of reading and processing the cases, is really to keep an open mind to the larger picture. Why are we reading these cases? Why are we reading this case (Pennoyer v. Neff in Civil Procedure) that has been overruled by the Supreme Court many years ago? How do they all fit in? The short answer to these roundabout questions is that I think the professors are trying to get us to think about how the policy of the law evolved into the elements of that particular law in the present day. Rather than focus on the minute details of the case facts (of course, that is important so that I don't look like a retard in class), I should really try to understand the case from a policy standpoint, as well as to make sure that I understand the black letter law that is applicable to other variations of the case. How can I change the facts of the particular case, or create one from my own imagination, so much so that the elements of the black letter law applies? How can I change it enough so that it no longer applies?

Planet Law School thus far has proven to be helpful in a sense that the book has allowed me to put my learning into perspective early. In fact, I hope that this mindset is exactly what I have to do (I'm banking on it!). I am yet to feel comfortable discussing the cases in a more thorough manner with my classmates as of the first week, most simply because I don't think any of us, myself included, have had enough law school to see what's going on. In the meanwhile, I feel that my writing these entries will help me understand the concepts of what I'm reading a little more. In a sense, this will help me synthesize my thoughts.

Civil Procedure:

So far, we've read Pennoyer v. Neff and a few other cases dealing with personal jursidiction. Pennoyer is no longer applicable, but it is seemingly the foundational building blocks of personal jurisdiction - when is it applicable and how can the courts use it? I think this course is following closely with Glannon's study aid, which will be helpful to get a different perspective.

Torts:

The cases we've read in the first week deal primarily with Duty: when does someone owe a duty to another person? Starting with Walters v. Walmart, we got a very basic taste of torts and quite frankly, and easy application of the duty clause: the employee admitted to the tortuous action.

Contracts:

We've read the most cases for this class, but many of them are short. The class thus far has touched upon the notion of privity, and a few elements of a contract (K = offer + acceptance and consideration). The first week dealt primarily with consideration, and what is required for consideration in a contract.

Criminal Law:

This class has been a blur to me. Professor Wilf has provided very little structure, yet he reminds me of Dr. Rotheim. Hopefully, I'll be able to develop some kind of commodore with him the same way I did with Rotheim. Quite frankly, I have no idea what's going on in this class, but I hope it will turnout great because of the subject matter.

Lawyering Process:

I was inspired to write this entry because of LP. The class assignments will be hard, and writing isn't necessarily my strong suit. But the class allowed me to look into the other classes with a different lense: Basically, we're looking at a few cases to formulate a 'black letter law' and its elements for the intentional infliction of emotional stress. In the same way, that is exactly what we're doing with all the cases in the other classes. We need to look at a set of cases to see where a particular law came from and how it was developed. As long as I keep that perspective, I think, in fact, I hope, I will have somewhat of an informed advantage over my classmates. But then again, I'm very open to sharing and collaborating.

Until next time.

First official day in Hartford

It's strange that a little over a month ago, I was traveling the unexplored regions of Southeast Asia and in what appears to be a blink of an eye, I have been deposed in Hartford, CT - home of the largest conglomerate of insurance companies in the world. The transition has been remarkable - considering the drastic spectrum that I have traveled since my time on the other side of the world. Of course, my deposition in Hartford merely signifies the end of my freedom, and quite possibly the end of one of the best summers of my life: the first summer in a long time in which I did not have to work.

Hartford also symbolizes the beginning of much hard work, time sacrifice, and intense focus - the likes of which I have not experienced since the end of that tumultuous senior year in college, where I managed to pull off crew, a year long senior thesis, work study, and a full course load to boot. Alas, the fun has come to an end, and it is finally time to move on to bigger and better things in Connecticut.

Hartford has a way of welcoming visitors into the warm open arms of the city streets; and by this I meant my experience this morning - when upon exiting my apartment, I discovered that my car had been towed from Farmington Ave. In retrospect, I should have been more attentive to the signs - not taking any risks in a new city. But then again, I was heeding to the calls of nature, not to mention I was frustrated from the shear amount of loose packing my parents managed to shove into my car before I departed.

Nevertheless, the car debacle resulted in me having to run the 3.6 miles to Corona's Towing - costing me not only my morning (I did manage to squeeze a workout from the ordeal), but also nearly $140 in which I will never get to use for any purpose other than retrieve my vehicle. Lesson learned: I will no longer drive my car at night - and I shall refrain from parking my car on any major roads in Hartford for the remainder of my time here.

This lesson could have simply been handed to me on a piece of paper. Instead, I had to learn the hard way. But I am a firm believer in the silver lining within every dark cloud. While I was running angrily towards Corona's, I ran through what many would consider the so called 'ghetto' of East Hartford. In my opinion, my run two weeks ago through Albany Ave. appeared to be far worst in terms of infrastructure and overall negative effect.

However, something dawned on me while on the run: There is a pervasive culture among the white elite (i.e. those who grew up among a white majority in mostly affluent suburbs) where anything that does not resemble their general white neighborhoods, may very well be perceived as a threat. A major reason for this may be attributed to media portrayal (i.e. Training Day, Boyz in the Hood, Replacement Killers, to name a few quickly off the top of my head), where the ethnic minority are generally portrayed to be up to something sketchy. What happens thereafter is the permeation of stereotypes that form the basis of fear among the white elite, thereby causing them to skip out entirely on those regions deemed to be 'unsafe' (translation: ethnic neighborhoods).

But I ask you this: how many of the people that I have spoken to - who have warned me about the dangers of certain neighborhoods - have actually stepped foot and interacted with people in those neighborhoods? Granted, I am not advertising that I have not succumbed to media portrayals - but at least I can say that I have managed to accidentally throw myself into the middle of these areas deemed to be 'unsafe' (I still wouldn't run there at night), and would continue to do so (albeit unintentionally) until otherwise. What I saw today - in spite of a few sketchy characters lining the streets at 11am - were fully developed ethnic neighborhoods with a strong sense of community, particularly that of the Latin population in East Hartford. In fact, the neighborhood around Park St. reminded me of the Chinatown ghettos in which I have I have been a part - just people trying to make a living - supporting one another in some way possible. Even the neighborhood around Trinity College (Broad St) didn't seem that bad at first glance, in the morning, especially after hearing dire warnings from people to avoid the neighborhood outside of Trinity's campus at all costs.

Perhaps I need to make myself more available for these kinds of situations. What I truly enjoy about living in Hartford - aside from not being towed - is the diversity that is prevalent throughout the city; a diversity that cannot be found in places like Saratoga Springs, NY or any other small towns that harbor college students. That way, the diversity will hopefully open eyes as to the world beyond the sheltered lives of many of us who pursue advanced degrees, and even college degrees, so that we may truly understand one another beyond the media-portrayals of the news and Hollywood. I may not say yes to any business propositions from some guy name Tyrone outside of the Dollar Store in Farmington, but at least I will not avoid him, but shake his hand confidently, and smile when I introduce myself and say "No" to whatever the heck he wants to sell.

Albany Avenue

I want to remember all of my pre-law school sentiments so that one day, I can reflect on them and laugh. I took the liberty yesterday to drive down to Hartford in order to set up my apartment, along with cable and all the good things. After a full day of painstaking yet enjoyable organization, I decided to go for a run to discover my new neighborhood.

Unfortunately, after running through beautiful West Hartford and Elizabeth Park, I made the wrong turn after exiting the park and proceeded to head east towards Albany Avenue. The ensuing 15 minutes were quite nerve-racking in a sense that all my previously harbored prejudices came into complete fruition. I must remind myself that it was Marc who planted the dangerous neighborhood notion in my head prior to my run.

With that attitude firmly in my conscience, I proceeded to run through ill-kept grassy fields, abandoned warehouses, run down tenements and houses, as well as a few commercial properties that seemed to have closed down years ago. Not surprisingly, I picked up my pace through this neighborhood, as I frantically searched for the safe haven of West Hartford in my mind. Even though the run through the neighborhood was relatively brief, it left a solid impression in my mind about the incredible diversity that exists in Hartford, and not all of that is good.

I have never thought of myself as one to harbor prejudices. In a sense, I guess everyone has the same preconceived notions - whether those notions are developed through the media, through family, or through some white guy from Vermont. The run was certainly a fantastic introduction into my neighborhood for possibly the next three years, and there is no doubt in my mind that these impressions will dictate my future runs in the neighborhood. I just hope that future instances and more exposure to the intricacies of Hartford will work towards quelling this unrealized fear of the supposedly more dangerous neighborhoods.

The first year, they scare you to death...

It has been a while since I've even had time to write in this blog. My trip postings have been relegated to facebook, so there was no need for me to explore my thoughts through this blog. It has been over two weeks, however, since my eminent return from Asia, and I think it should probably be time for me to write again as I try to gather my thoughts for the first steps to the rest of my life.

There have been so many things that I have wanted to post on this blog: reflections on my past with lacrosse in Concord, my general sentiments towards leaving home (good and bad), as well as the things that seem the most important to me at this point in my life. Unfortunately, most of the thoughts associated with those topics come in passing, and therefore, I have lost the motivation to write what is deeply significant about those topics.

Instead, as boring as this may sound, I choose to write about my thought process leading up to law school because, quite frankly, it is these kinds of thoughts that I will be happy to look back to in order to gauge my intellectual and personal growth throughout this law school process. For the past two and a half weeks, I have been a machine - gathering up the necessary components in order to facilitate a smooth transition to law school in Hartford. I have bought the furniture, drove down twice with my father, and managed to set up most of the major components. There is another trip in the next few days to put an end to the early preparation.

In a sense, I am trying to get an early advantage to those that may have more of a time crunch than I do. I understand that law school will be immensely challenging, therefore I am seeking to gain whatever advantage I have over my classmates in terms of preparation. At the same time, this advantage is negated because I continue to doubt my abilities to compete with so many students that seem to have a distinct educational advantage over me - students, who may have chosen to attend UConn because of the cost efficiency in the program, and not necessarily because they were not accepted at other schools. Second guessing my abilities has become prevalent as I read and try to understand the "Learning Legal Reasoning" book by John Delaney.

I continue to worry about the social structure of the law school, as well as the Hartford surroundings. In a sense, I do not want to repeat the turbulent social environment in which I was exposed to in the beginning of college, where I seemingly interacted with people who did not share the same interests, and with whom I did not make significant connections with. I am fearful, as I was probably at the start of college, of not being able to connect with my new classmates - some of whom are straight from college, whereas others may be in the same situation that I am - having taken some years off before deciding for law school. How will my social situation justify my leaving the comforts of Boston for the whole new environment of Hartford?

At the same time, I am also fearful of living on my own - not in the sense that I will not be able to handle my own meals/sanitary issues. But rather, I am fearful of how I will adapt to simply being on my own. I think as time marches on, I realize even more that even though I enjoy plenty of time on my own, I also relish and enjoy in the company of others. Living on my own, therefore, will require an initial adaptation process that hopefully will turn out for the better. At the present moment though, the aspect that I most look forward to is not necessarily sitting down and absorbing the intricacies of the law, but rather the prospect of finally being free from the imaginary cage that is my parents' home. The founded fears of living alone essentially takes a back seat to this even larger accomplishment.

I must admit that I have enjoyed hanging out with my parents since returning from Asia. With my brother busy in preparation for his wedding, and my sister practically traveling the world, I am designated to be the de facto progeny - which has resulted in many hours driving in the car to various places with both my parents. They have been gracious enough to support many of my shopping/moving endeavors in the last two weeks and I, in return, have been providing them with glimpses and answers to the enigma that is their children (except, I must admit, that their knowledge of their children grows far beyond what I comprehend about them). Nevertheless, it's time for me to move on - to finally be out from under the protective wing of my parents.

I choose to do most of this law school process of my life by myself in hopes of gaining independence for myself, and away from my parents. For the first time, they will really play a secondary position to my life, unlike college, in which they controlled my well-being from a financial standpoint (which I still owe them a lot for). They may not know it now, but for the most part, these last two years will certainly be the last two years that I will hopefully not live under their roof because I plan on moving somewhere, anywhere, in order to secure this final step of 'growing up'. Not a moment too soon, I suppose, because my family from Vietnam plans to inundate my house come September.

All things happen for a reason, whether I consider them to be good or bad at the moment. As I have always talked about with friends, everything will work out in the end. I'm a firm believer in luck = preparation + opportunity. I hope everything turns out well.

8 Hours Before Departure

It's 12:48am, and I am sitting on my bed, watching the Red Sox in a nail-biter of a game with the A's. I'm scheduled to leave the house in approximately five hours for the airport - where my flight leaves for Chicago at 9am. I am strangely relaxed, considering I am moments away from embarking on a journey half way around the world - armed with nothing more than my wit, a basic understanding of Mandarin, and a Lonely Planet-type book (actually, I couldn't afford Lonely Planet so I went for the 8th best thing: Frodders).

My backpack is stuffed to the brink. Apparently, I should have listened to Noel and spent the extra 20 dollars to buy a larger backpack...there goes my silly cheap-ness again. May I not succumb myself to the detriment of my own preferences again.

Hal, my travel companion, is noticeably nervous, as he strolls in and out of my room, contemplating smoking cigarettes in my driveway. Of course, his fears are certainly founded, considering this will indeed be an exciting and nerve-racking adventure for the both of us.

Since I have seemingly secured all the necessary components to guarantee a smooth transition to law school after I return, I have nothing left to worry about on this trip, except how to get from one desired destination to another, and when my next meal is going to be. Needless to say, I hope I can act swiftly on my feet, and rely on resourcefulness to navigate cultural and linguistic barriers.

First stop: Hong Kong

Asian American Heritage Month

It's nearing the end of Asian American Heritage Month, and I am surprised at myself for not writing an entry dedicated to this pan-Asian movement. However, I do have a legitimate excuse: this week will mark my last week of work, and my Asia backpacking trip is just around the corner. Needless to say, I have been busy squeezing out whatever is left of my social life into these last precious few weeks. Let's just say that I won't be sad to experience the change, though.

Nevertheless, I was originally going to write about my preparations for this trip. But instead, my wandering eyes turned to an essay written by a graduating Amherst College senior in today's New York Times. The essay was fantastically moving - the essay spoke a lot about this guy's life and how the people in his life made his trials and tribulations seem a bit less challenging. He emphasized that his lower socio-economic standing was in no way, an impediment to his drive and success - culminating in graduation from one of the finest liberal arts institutions in the country.

Of course, the "bottom" factor reminded me of my own upbringing. It's funny - six months have passed since I completed my law school application essay. Yet, looking back, I felt like so much of that two page essay did not capture the essence of what it was like growing up as a first generation Chinese American with parents who spoke little English. Whereas his essay captures the essence of the characters that invariably led to his success, my condensed essay falls far short by neglecting to mention the support structure in which my family and friends came to contribute to my upbringing.

It was this structure that directly contributed to my pending success. My background was not 'ideal': I come from a poor immigrant family - with parents who worked extremely hard and sacrificed a great deal in order to provide my siblings and me with a nurturing and environment. Culturally, I didn't fully adapt to the American culture until we moved to the suburbs. Before that, my siblings and I were immersed in mostly Chinese culture: living on the fringe of Chinatown, speaking Chinese at home, and even watching more Chinese-produced television than regular American programming.

Even though I have more education under my belt than both my parents combined now, I was not pushed for academic success while growing up. Therefore, my siblings and I were left to discover, in our individual fashions, why we needed to succeed in education. I don't think I realized the extent of my capabilities until college - where I was forced to confront the ramifications of my own decisions. Moreover, I grew up constantly worried over the volatility of my family's financial circumstances. Even as a child, I remember the lessons that my parents have imposed upon us regarding the importance of being stable in our careers.

I am sure that the financial volatility of my family situation growing up, undeniably contributed to why I am so practical today in my decisions, and certainly why I am so risk-adverse when it comes to deviating from a very traditional career path. It is a shame, however, that since college, where many of my peers were significantly better off financially than I was, I have seemingly enacted a mental block on my past experiences. For the most part, I have had scant conversations in college with people regarding the trials and tribulations that I have faced to get to that point.

In fact, I preferred to keep people in the dark about my upbringing for one reason or another. As a result, from initial impressions, I may be inclined to believe that many people view me as a privileged, over-achieving Chinese kid: small, highly selective Northeast liberal arts school, college rower, high school lacrosse player - when in fact I was only a Chinese kid who wanted to fit into the majority. Thankfully, many of these sentiments have seemingly melted away as a result of my moving back home. College was too much of a bubble - it made me almost neglect my turbulent past, which I understand now to be a motivating factor in almost every facet of my life.

Why does my story have anything to do with Asian Heritage Month? Considering I have just finished applying to law school (still waiting on word from BC Law - which may not understand the extent of my personal experiences because I failed to acknowledge them in the many letters that I have sent them), my background is unique in that it speaks strongly about my character development in the face of adversity.

Yet, because I happen to check the box that indicates "Asian American" on all my applications, there is a certain stigma attached to the connotation. The "Model Minority Myth" and Affirmative Action has created a social environment in which Asians are often generalized to be academically inclined - almost if not exceeding that of whites. In my own experiences, however, academic achievement and high test scores, with a few exceptions, is still largely tied to socio-economic class, not to mention the educational attainment of the parents. Generally speaking, those Asians that are the most academically inclined usually have highly educated parents to oversee their educational development.

What does this notion spell for someone with my disadvantaged background? It means that we are lumped together with the high achieving masses. Asians already make up a disproportionate ratio of students in higher education. Therefore, affirmative action in college and grad school admissions, which largely favors under-represented minorities (Blacks, Hispanics, Native Americans) with relatively lower objective admissions numbers, have cast aside many Asians from disadvantaged backgrounds with close to the same numbers. It doesn't matter whether these under-represented minorities come from privileged backgrounds - their skin color is seemingly enough to reflect the diversity pledges of schools.

Even though my struggles parallel that, or maybe even exceed some of the other favored disadvantaged minorities, in the end, when reported statistics indicate a certain percentage of Asian Americans in each incoming class, that percentage may not reflect the overall socio-economic spectrum among admitted students. Therefore, there may be very little incentive for admissions offices to admit more of an over-represented minority.

Of course, none of this is an attack on affirmative action, because I firmly believe in the program. The most pressing issue, however, is that affirmative action has become so focused on skin color, that it has moved away from the socio-economic spectrum in favor of skin color only. I don't have the statistics to back this assertion, but I'm almost positive that I have read studies pertaining to this phenomenon somewhere.

Unfortunately, I almost always compare myself to those that may have had a less volatile childhood than I have had. The fact that someone is Asian, automatically warrants comparison on my part. Many times, I look to those high achieving Asian Americans around me, and wonder why it is that I couldn’t achieve what they have. But then, thanks to my reawakening since being at home and having time to write down my thoughts, I realized that my achievements in the face of adversity, is not something to hide (like in college), but something to use as a constant reminder of how far I have come in the grand scheme of life. Asian Heritage Month is supposed to celebrate the achievements of Asian Americans in American society. Let me start by celebrating mine first.

Where have all the fans gone?

5/14/07: Final score: Red Sox 7, Tigers 1. Japanese sensation Daisuke Matsuzaka just pitched a phenomenal complete game - his only blemish a solo home run by the Tigers center fielder. This game will probably go down as one of the better pitched games by any Red Sox pitcher against a legitimate AL contender this year.

Yet, I was seated among the rowdy crowd at Fenway by the right field bleachers. Maybe I just haven't been to enough games as all these other supposed fans - but when exactly did fandamonium turn into a drunken display of poor sportsmanship and rowdiness? The view of the amazing game happening directly in front of me was obscured, first of all, by a drunken fat chick wouldn't stop talking about anything that was everything. She obviously had about eight too many to drink even before stepping into the ballpark - stumbling up and down the stair for an occasional Budweiser in between innings. Not knowing what inning, the score, or whoever was pitching, for that matter, she continued to harass my co-worker and me with her slurred speech and general unpleasant appearance. I felt bad for her sister who sat next to her, and had to apologize basically for all of her actions.

The fandamonium didn't quite end there. Directly behind me was a group of boisterous young twenty-something’s who ended up being tossed for smoking in the bleachers. Before that, however, they were just generally unpleasant. Drunken frat boys hung in the bleacher seats in front of me - pointlessly heckling the scant Tigers fans nestled in the sea of Fenway faithfuls. Needless to say, I was surrounded by a bunch of Fenway idiots - precisely some of the same people that I try to avoid on a Friday night in Fanueil Hall after a Celtics or Bruins game.

I guess I was just a bit taken back by the type of environment that Fenway Park has turned into. Nay, rather, what it has been since Red Sox Fever took hold of the fans some odd years ago. Perhaps I haven't been to enough baseball games in the past to really be able to track the progress of the behavior of the fans. However, I consider myself a worthy fan - one who has followed the team through its ups and downs - even if I haven't been able to find the time or the money to pay the ridiculous amount of money for a couple of decent seats at the ballpark.

On the contrary, it seems that many of those who have the luxury, time, and money to pay astronomical prices for tickets are, in fact, bandwagon fans - the same ones who abandoned the Red Sox when their season was spiraling out of control in 2006 as a result of an injury-plagued lineup. These are the same fans that seem to think wearing a pink or green Sox hat and perhaps a Daisuke shirt or Varitek jersey, would automatically make them true fans.

Granted - I was supposedly situated in the midst of the real fans - the ones who would stay until the last pitch irregardless of the score on any given game (and to their credit, many of them did stay). However, it seemed as if the novelty of getting drunk at Fenway became more consuming than being engaged in the game itself. In that sense, I was the most bothered (Actually, I was even more bothered by the number of people wearing Kamikaze-esk headbands sporting random Japanese characters and sponsored by Legal Sea Foods...It's something about idiots and Asian-themed attire at a game started by a Japanese pitcher, that really gets under my skin...but I won't go there just yet) . Am I missing the point? Or is it really the point of baseball these days to get trashed, jump on the bandwagon and go to the ballpark to act like a completely idiot, and heckle and scream at the people around you - thus being able to proclaim yourself a true fan? If that was the case, I would be the worst fan ever.

Boston Asian Football League

I have never played organized football until my god-brother asked me to join a flag-football league this past fall. The experience of the first season can be described as remarkably fun - we played some football, albeit without the same intensity as many of the other teams that populate this league. The post-game reaction was usually the same, whether we won or lost. I rather enjoyed this kind of pressure-free environment that our team commodore was based upon.

Nevertheless, this past season was a little different than the last. I guess playing wasn't enough - we had to play to win. Therefore, under the discretion of a few members, we combined two teams to form a more competitive group of kids. The end result, however, was a group I felt never fully adapted to each other's style of play. The group members never came together, and there was still an apparent rift between the two former teams. The league play became serious, and the emotions and competitiveness provoked from this type of environment seemingly drained the fun out of the league. Needless to say, I won't be returning for another season. With that in mind, though, I can write about the different nuances that this league embodies, as well as the macro effects that are an extension of this league.

First of all, I was initially excited to finally do something that was very much part of the Asian American experience in the Boston area. My brother has always played either volleyball or basketball with the likes of other Asians in the area, whereas my sister has been heavily involved in summer softball for the past two years. They have had a much different experience in Boston than I have - considering I spent four years of college away from the bustling city life in Boston. As a result, a lot of my life is seemingly divided between a deep-seeded desire to become fully involved in the social aspect of the Asian community, or maintain a sense of distinction by continuing with my "suburban" activities. The two rarely mix because many of my close college friends didn't come back to Boston with me. The result was that when I moved back to Boston, I settled with my old group of friends - many of whom had developed their own circles outside of the high school norm.

Nevertheless, this league allowed me to be directly involved with this whole Asian-scene for the first time since college graduation. I have come to the realization (yet again) that becoming connected to a group of people solely because of their race isn't the most tangible step one can make. I kind of went through this phase in high school when I associated strictly with other Asians for a period of time- only to realize that skin color doesn't matter without the substance underneath to back it up.

Likewise, little has changed after six years. It seems after all this time, I still have a tendency to gravitate to those who share a similar ethnic background as I do. But this league seemingly reinforced the notion that I don't necessarily have to hang out and develop a close-knit community with Asian Americans in the area. The reason for this is that sometimes, in an attempt to unify an entire group, we tend to marginalize the extensive differences that exist between the Asian American sub-groups.

Personally, this football league highlighted many of the differences that may exist in the greater ethnic community. For example, all the participants in the league came together for a common purpose: to play organized football and maybe showoff some of our natural athletic abilities. Under the cover of sportsmanship, we were all seemingly bonded to demonstrate a certain level of respect for each other's presence. At the same time, it was evident that this sportsmanship may have yielded respect and reverence to others for some, and deep-seeded contempt and animosity for the rest. For example, the Vietnamese players tended to associated with themselves, whereas the Cambodian/Southeast Asian kids formed their own groups, etc. Tempers flared and intense emotions were thrown around at will. Needless to say, without the protective cover of the league and the sportsmanship that it entails, I felt that many of the games would have resulted in an all out brawl.

I personally respected many of the players in the league. Meanwhile, there exists certain players, who in my mind, have inflated egos beyond what should be warranted. These players would flaunt their jerseys, demonstrate arrogance, and even flaunt their girlfriends on the sidelines as half-hearted cheerleaders - almost to a comical point. There was even this one jerk who decided it was acceptable behavior to pick up a random jacket on the sideline (mine, to be exact) and wear it because he was cold during one of the games. It's this type of behavior that I loathe the most, and also what forces me to think deeply about being Asian American in this city.

Of course, this incident is not at all reflective of my entire experience in this league, or among Asian Americans in general. However, the league does go to show that although we may be united underneath the same racial classification, it is still immensely difficult to unite all the different sub-groups. This is one of the reasons that I feel directly contributes to the lack of solidarity among Asian Americans. As much as some people may try to portray a distinct "Asian American Culture" through a variety of fields, the truth is that without the common yellow skin color to bond us all together, we are left only with a plethora of different goals, aspirations, and reverence towards one another. These differences will continue to have a non-contributory impact on the development of a cohesive identity - leaving Asian Americans in a state of cultural limbo in this country.

The irony of it all is that there will be some people out there who may view this league as a kind of reverse discrimination. Whereas this particular league was able to organize by limiting the number of non-Asians on the field on any given play, I would find it hard-pressed to have a league that would ultimately limit the number of minorities that can play at the same time. Pro-league proponents view the league as an avenue in which Asian Americans can truly find a source of support for their athletic endeavors by competing against similarly sized and skilled people. On the other hand, anti-league proponents will certainly cite discriminatory practices by the league. Either way, the league does provide a haven in which to channel daily stress onto a competitive athletic environment. You just won't find me going out of my way to limit myself within the confines of race and color beyond this point.

Global Warming?

There seems to be a heightened sense of fear lately, induced by the media surrounding the theory of global warming. Every report that makes its way into the daily headlines seem to scream apocalypse and the end of mankind as coastal cities potentially become subject to severe flooding, and prolonged droughts will continue to grip the countryside - forcing millions to migrate and consequently creating civil unrest among the majority of the global rural population. Television networks are creating shows that cater to the "green conscious" public by demonstrating the technology that has spurred a marginal growth of 'green homes'. Even automobile companies are gearing up and revamping their products to meet higher gas-mileage requirements by the government (the same one, mind you, that is headed by two former oil tycoon executives - the largest perpetrator of supposed global pollution).

Even so, all these efforts could be in vain. Perhaps this is the pessimist in me typing in a time of even more distrustful views of the global environment. But the fact of the matter is that these large scale alterations in our daily lives are essentially worthless because many, including myself, would only make the necessary changes for a brief period of time before resorting back to our original consumption habits. We, as an industrialized, technology-driven society, have seemingly built our lives around mass consumption of natural resources that have directly contributed to this global demise. Without the automobile to get ourselves to and from work; without the coal-fired power plants that operate our office buildings; without the lumber companies that produce the daily products that we require on a daily basis - we are reduced to a stagnant economy that will drive billions of people into perpetual poverty (as measured by our current standards of American living) and essentially impede our technological and social advancement.

This whole mindset is based on the assumption that we are also a capitalistically-influenced society - where low costs and profit margins seem to dominate our business culture. With that said, even with the availability of energy efficient vehicles, solar-powered office buildings, or alternative sources of paper etc., there is an overwhelming tendency to deviate from these new technologies because our economy is mostly run by small businesses, that may not be able to absorb the short term financial impact of transitioning to more technologically methods.

As privileged members of this society, we feel a sense of entitlement to the luxuries that have been afforded to us at the expense of those who suffer beyond what we can comprehend. I will never know the feeling of stitching $150 sneakers for 2 cents/day so that some first world consumer can have the shiniest sneakers to wear on the first day of school. It is this sense of entitlement that will ultimately contribute to our societal downfall.

I must admit - that even as I write this, I am completely unaware of the atrocities that may befall a group of people I will never meet - just so they can produce products at a low price for the first world. Just as they have suffered by taking the scraps that the multi-national corporations have thrown at them (their profits padded by our insatiable thirst for their products), so too will they suffer the most as a result of global warming. Whereas our livelihood depends primarily on the technology produced by our society at the expense of others, the livelihood of the third world depends largely on the sustenance of the land.

Should we continue our ravenous pace of entitled consumption habits, we will continue to push our planet's resources to the edge of exhaustion. At that point, no amount of recycling can undo the permanent damages sustained by the Earth.

Virginia Tech Ramifications

For the past couple of days, I have been extremely uncomfortable with regard to the mass massacre at Virginia Tech. I completely empathize for those directly affected by this tragedy. But on a more personal level, I’m more uneasy about the aftermath that will ensue as a result of this incident because the perpetrator was Korean American. His Asian ethnicity will be sure to stir up my biggest fear, which is an Asian backlash among the drastically ignorant/mislead crowd – whether this backlash manifests itself in personal confrontations, in the blogsphere, or in other sources of media.

The biased media could be one potential fuel to this backlash. Those that may be more inclined to follow traditionally conservative/tabloid news outlets will find a barrage of in- your-face emphasis on the brutal killer nature of the shooter. One need not look further than the extremes of FOXNEWS and The New York Times as prime examples of media bias. Whereas traditional left-leaning New York Times seemingly portrays the killer as a victim ("You forced me into a corner"), FOXNEWS has a tendency to demonize the killer to an extreme ("LAST ANGRY WORDS").

Nevertheless, it has not a simple task to get over this ongoing uneasiness. This killer’s face has been plastered all over every major media outlet and in seemingly every site that I visit, his stone-cold glare stares back at me. In his eyes, I sense only rage, confusion, and insecurity. As a result, I can not help but to learn as much about this socio-path killer as possible and from as many news sources as possible. It is irrational to believe that one man’s actions can potentially affect an entire community that share a similar common ancestry. But Cho has managed to do just that. In the wake of the violent path that he has left behind and drilled school violence into America’s memory yet again, those that share his Asian ancestry are forced to confront their gender and ethnicity and a greater level than before.

Although I live in a seemingly sheltered environment among the left-leaning masses in the Northeast, I can’t help but to think about those people that may not share a similar liberal environment. Of course, I am generalizing a bit here – but for those in the majority that are not forced to confront diversity on a daily basis, it is easy for them to revert back to ignorant assumptions of a group that is as easily identifiable by skin pigmentation. Already, anonymous posts are going up on blogs everywhere – decrying Yellow Peril, evoking Asian de-masculinity, and spewing hate messages towards Asians using mainstream derogatory terms.

There is in fact, a tendency for those to incorporate the silent, anti-social personalities of Cho and apply those stereotypes to the entire group of Asian American males. Sometimes, there is an agenda attached to such an intent (read: political gains) and for others, shear ignorance. Regardless of the fact, this notion forces someone like me – an Asian American male – to seemingly have to defend my entire ethnic group and gender against those that harbor ill-sentiments towards my kind. This paranoid feeling raises Muslim-American sentiments after 9/11, of which I understand more fully after this incident. To be potentially on the receiving end of this backlash is indeed not something I wish upon any minority group.

What exactly do Cho’s actions and the ensuing backlash reveal about America’s contemporary society? This uneasiness I have alone is demonstrative of the fact that there is a tendency for human nature to be irrational and to jump to conclusions. At the same time, my fear is that this incident has invoked deep-seeded racial sentiments towards Asians as a whole (read: Yellow Peril). As it stands, China and the rest of Asia is growing in global influence, both politically and economically. Globalization has resulted in numerous factory jobs being outsourced to Asia. This phenomenon has created a culture of blame – where those that may be directly affected by the plight of jobs are forced to channel their misfortunes towards Asians – and not the corporations that move abroad - because they appear to be the ones taking away their jobs. In doing so, their irrational assumptions have contributed to this growing anti-Asian sentiment. The massacre at Virginia Tech only reinforces those sentiments because it allows them to channel their anger towards Cho’s ethnicity and all those racially associated with him. The media contributes to this phenomenon with an endless slideshow of Cho’s evil Asian face amongst the firearms that he used to end 33 lives.

I cannot help but to harbor such fear of a backlash resulting from this incident. As of now, the long terms effects of this incident are rather premature. But I am certain that in the coming weeks and months, there will be talk of immigration reform in order to limit the number of people coming from Asia. There will be experts upon experts who will claim that the school did not do enough to prevent this incident. More experts will be available to provide their two cents into every aspect of the incident in an attempt to decode the killer.

Finally, there will also be debate about the merits of the Second Amendment and of gun control. Conservatives will more likely push an agenda to legalize the right to bear concealed fire arms (this argument will merit a wholly separate entry) so that potential killers would think twice before committing another atrocity. On the other hand, liberals will blame the incident on the proliferation of firearms and the ease in which one can legally acquire these weapons. Either way, this debate will miss the most important point: These blame games cannot and will not bring back the deceased and will not comfort those that have lost loved ones. The focus should be a more macro issues with regard to perpetuated violence in our culture, as well as deep-seeded feelings if bigotry and hate. Until those elements are removed from our society, I fear beyond what I fear now, that somewhere sometime, another firecracker will explode in another environment, and the violence will continue completely race-blind.

New York - New York

Having been away from the city for almost a year, it was a refreshing experience to randomly visit New York again. We can chalk this experience up to the spontaneity I have been seeking in life. In some sense, I do miss the sounds of taxi brakes screeching, hordes of Chinese people in both Manhattan and Chinatown, not to mention the ridiculously overpriced bars and clubs that populate every block in this lively city.

What was even more refreshing was the sight of my college friends - the same ones that I may or may not have seen in the past two years. Sometimes, I am absolutely blown away at the fact that it has been nearly three years since many of us have even gotten together for an outing (because many graduated a year before I did). What this realization means is that we have indeed arrived in our mid-twenties; what comes with this territory is more overburdening responsibility, and certainly much more awareness with regard to decisions that could impact the rest of our lives.

For one night, though, the nostalgic feeling of being in college again permeated each of us. We gathered at Porky's on 21st street between 5th and 6th avenue - home of the perpetual college crowd that seemingly refuses the notion of growing older. The venue was everything you could ask for in a typical northeast college bar: droves of white people (in Manhattan -mind you - the most diverse city possibly in the United States) getting intoxicated on draft beers served in plastic cups, overbearing loud music consisting of Bon Jovi's greatest hits, drunken make-out sessions all over the place, and sticky floors to boot. For a second there, I was transported back to Saratoga Springs, or even Boston for that matter - based on the nearly homogenous scene alone. This fact makes you wonder why anyone in New York City would consider waiting in line and having to deal with the bouncers outside (Note: I did have fun inside - but that can be attributed to being with my friends. I did, however, just win a free open-bar party at Porky's for this Friday, which I had to decline.).

Nevertheless, it turns out that in college, the people I was closest to were for the most part, Asian. I tend to forget this fact when I hang out with almost no one from my alma mata in Boston - preferring instead to associate with my high school friends and other people I have met in Boston. The night can be characterized as fun and awkward at the same time because my ex-girlfriend of three years and I share a lot of mutual friends. I guess it is a little strange that I have a tendency to stay in touch with those that I have been in a relationship with - even if 'staying in touch' means merely sending each other a birthday message here and there.

Because I haven't seen her in a year, her presence made me feel a little strange. For a short moment, I felt like we were still together because we were in the presence of all of our college friends, not to mention a bar that brought back the nostalgic college feeling. She made it clear to me (thru the loud music) that it was awkward for her too to see me because she is dating someone, and when we were dating, she hated the fact that I stayed in touch with my ex's. The night ended typical enough: respect pounds with the boys, hugs with the girls, and an awkward half-hug followed by the Hollywood-slow motion walk away from the ex while Semi-Sonic's "Closing Time" played over the loud speakers (just kidding...that would have been funny though). As awkward as that may have seemed, I am very much okay with this relationship structure I’ve managed to cultivate for myself.

The rest of the weekend can be characterized as a money-spending expedition, where I managed to throw away almost three months worth of my drinking budget at one single venue. New York City can be an extremely expensive place if you don’t pay attention to your spending habits. I can see how people might be caught up in a New York moment, especially for those not accustomed to city living: Bright lights, lively nightlife, plethora of similar aged people everywhere – it’s essentially the largest meat market packed into one small over-developed island. However, if you’re young, single, and present-oriented, New York is certainly the place to be and will have a lot to offer. On the other hand, if you wish to save a little money, and would like to ultimately develop a life beyond drinking, clubbing, and expensive mediocre dinners, New York may be the worst place yet. I do sincerely enjoy my infrequent visits. Any more trips might jeopardize the positive impressions I have attached to this exciting city.

Abandoned Homefront

Abandoned Homefront

This article in the Boston Globe got me thinking...

I have been volunteering at the New England Shelter for Homeless Veterans for about 18 months now, and I have come to know some of the people there quite well. What started as a rather uncomfortable, seemingly forced attempt at volunteering has actually turned into an enjoyable experience where everyday, someone manages to enlighten me with their diverse experiences. Just today, I was enlightened by a flamboyantly friendly gentleman named Steve, who taught me about the literature of J.R. Tolkien.

Nevertheless, the dichotomy in my everyday life is fascinating in a sense that during the day, I work with immensely privileged and brilliant scientists and by the time I reach the shelter, I encounter those that have seemingly hit the trough in their lives. For one reason or another, they are in the shelter – unable to gain solid economic footing and forced to co-exist with a large group of men in a common area – all of whom share a unique bond in serving in the greatest military force in the world. Yet, these men and women are largely bright and cheerful – seemingly content at the fact that they are among their peers – despite the apparent hard times that may have recently befallen them.

These are the same men and women who were once at the front line defending this country from all threats – foreign and domestic. Many of them come from more socially disadvantaged backgrounds. Therefore, probability is that many face difficult transitions to civilian lives – resulting in their ultimate fate inside the walls of the shelter. Aside from the government subsidized shelter, it makes me wonder how the United States Government actually provides for its soldiers after they return from combat. Is there a pension involved? Are there career advancement opportunities in the private sector for those former soldiers who risk their lives at the front line?

Given our current situation in Iraq, I begin to question the merit of war – especially having to deal with the aftermath of the soldiers when they return to civilian life (granted the number of soldiers in the shelter is minimal compared to the vast size of the US Army). It seems to me that largely disadvantaged young men and women join the all-volunteer military in order to get out and see the world. For many, it is their only opportunity to move away from the poor conditions that may have plagued their lives growing up. Yet, these soldiers have absolutely no opinion when it comes to their deployment because they are bounded by the military credo – an oath if you will – to abide by the orders passed onto them from higher ranked officers. Lower ranked officers are supposed to abide by their superior’s orders; no questions asked.

As one moves up the military chain of command, the one at the top is the commander in chief - who by all means - has stood at the other end of the socio-economic spectrum for all of his life. For the most part, he has no idea as to the concerns of those who serve in the military. It is this same military that is currently being used as an occupying force in Iraq; and for what? Bush went to war under false pretenses in order to protect the interests of the multi-national corporations and the wealthy elite that essentially paid his way into office. In return, they ask that he fabricate a non-existent threat in order create a sense of urgency so that these corporations can increase profits and reward the shareholders (i.e. Halliburton). Four years, 3,300 American deaths, and an imminent civil war in Iraq later, we discover that these corporations are still generating fantastic profits. Their leaders and shareholders are very much content with their lives…but who is ultimately paying the price to preserve the American way of life?

Not only are funds being diverted to meet the increasing need to protect our soldiers abroad, these same funds are being siphoned from the very social programs that provide the basic necessities not covered by private enterprises; necessities such as public education, social empowerment, crime prevention, etc.

This type of thinking ultimately brings me back to the shelter. As I serve one homeless veteran after another every week – greeting them and seeing the looks on their faces – I can’t help but wonder if they ever stopped to think about how the government has essentially failed them. They fought to preserve the principles of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. In reality, though, they were used as pawns to protect the interests of a wealthy social elite that holds the power in this country. This same elite indirectly guided our soldiers to war in the Middle East. While many die overseas, and many more suffer emotionally as a result of their tragic loss, where do we begin to find justice for those who die to protect our country from a justification that was fabricated?

Life Decisions

I turned 24 a few days ago – and much like many of the previous birthdays, I don’t feel much different than the preceding year. I am still in the same job, have the same friends, and frequent the same establishments. The only difference, I suppose, is that I am now closer to my mid-20’s than at any other point in time and therefore, cannot be considered ‘young’ anymore. In colonial times, I would probably already have been married, conceived six children, and probably half way to an early grave as a result of poor dental hygiene and daily laborious physical labor.

Thankfully, we live in the 21^st century – a time of technology, microwavable dinners, and the age of global warming. Aside from the threat of global catastrophe, most people, including myself, need only worry about personal, non-life threatening issues that may seem miniscule in comparison to the concerns of even our parents when they were growing up. Just to provide an example of the extreme differences: When my parents were my age, their concerns revolved around having enough food to eat when they were fleeing Vietnam, caring for sickly family members, and adapting to a new culture where the customs and the language were completely foreign to them.

In stark contrast, my concerns are whether or not I will be able to get into a good law whether I will be able to pay for my education, or how I will spend my summer – whether that be working in New York City for a major law firm – or taking leisure time to pursue endeavors of my own interest. From an external perspective, my parents’ concerns back then easily trump the concerns I have now. However, the times are different. Essentially, our parents risked their livelihoods in order for us as first generation children of America, to pick up where they left off. Therefore, the fact that I have these choices presented in front of me is a true testament to the success of my parents to be able to provide my siblings and me with unlimited dreams beyond anything they could have fathomed when they first came to this country.

With that said, one of the inevitabilities of gaining an extra year of wisdom is that you tend to think about things from different perspectives. From year to year, this realization is barely noticeable. However, when compared to my thought process when I first embarked on my college journey six years ago, the perspective has changed dramatically. For example, my main concern when I first left for college was primarily social; the thought of getting away from home and having this whole new sense of freedom became my light at the end of the tunnel. Although I wanted to excel academically as well, I didn’t exactly know why I wanted to do so – only because I have seemingly been programmed to do so from an early age.

In some sense, I did well in both these respects, and wouldn’t change my experiences at all because these experiences contributed significantly to my ever-evolving thought process. Presently, as I prepare the necessary steps to become a law student, the perspective has completely changed. Rather than being excited at the prospect of leaving for school again for purely social reasons, this time around, I am much more apprehensive.

This feeling can most probably be attributed to growing older and having the vision to see more than just four years down the line, as it seemed to be while I was in college. When I was younger, there were less things to consider: Will I like my classmates? Will I fit in socially? Now, the questions circulate around: Will I be able to get a decent job after graduation? How will I pay for school? Will I meet the right people in the next three years to further my career? The social aspect definitely takes a back seat to the more pressing issues.

Along the same lines, I have come to realize that my academic success in law school could be vital to my employment opportunities in the future. Not only that, but I have come to realize how important an established network is in contributing to one’s success – hence the hesitation I have with leaving Boston yet again. For the first time, I have a concrete goal to do well in my legal education because my actions at this junction in my life could potentially dictate my life and opportunities for possibly the rest of my life. Perhaps that is why I have been finding myself thinking a lot – about my next three years, my career, my family and friends, etc, and essentially, how my decision now could impact the rest of my life. Try as I may - but no Excel Sheet will be able to give me a definite answer as to where would be the best destination for me. I simply have to close my eyes and jump.

There is less than two weeks for me to make a decision. Perhaps I may be putting too much emphasis on this process itself. As they always say, things will ultimately work out in the end. Unfortunately, very little people are able to provide advice for those who are caught in the middle of the process. Welcome to 24, and to the first days of the rest of my life.

City of Angels

I found the therapeutic powers of sunny skies and warm temperatures to be absolutely amazing. For the past few days, I have been hanging out with a dear old friend in southern California. When I left Boston, it was a balmy fifty degrees – but the day before, it was hovering slightly below the freezing mark. Therefore, I was certainly surprised and relieved at the fact that when my American Airlines yet (I refuse to fly Delta anymore) touched down at LAX and the temperature reading was in the 60’s.

Since being in Southern California, I have felt like a completely different person – one that has been buried deep within as a result of the frigid cold that has plagued the Northeast for the past few months. Certainly, I have been searching for avenues of escape from this cabin fever, which I now strongly believe contributed greatly to the sense of seasonal depression that I have been feeling lately. Needless to say, LA provided a perfect outlet to spend some time away from home, and away from the unnecessary pressures that have plagued my life – ranging from frustration at work to the uncertainty of law school admissions.

Granted, I have never been one to run away from the issues that I need to confront. At the same time, at least I know that I would be returning home in a few days with a fresh outlook on my current situation. Hopefully, I may be able to apply this outlook to the issues that I may have to deal with back home. In other words, Los Angeles has provided me a beacon of light with which I could use as a guide..

In the last couple of days, I have been overwhelmed by the different life style that many seem to embody as compared to Boston. Aside from the incessant number of hours spent driving around the vast Los Angeles county, LA has provided an amazing experience for me to reflect upon. I have been to most of the neighborhoods in LA county, with Venice Beach topping the list as my favorite destination because of the diversity in the crowd, as well as the beauty of the waves crashing into the remarkably smooth sandy beaches.

The most significant experience in this trip that seems to immediately pop into my head, was my visit to the UCLA campus. Never before, have I felt such a great sense of awe with regard to a magnificent college campus. The sight of the beautiful quad, traditional buildings, and beautifully paved campus nearly gave me tingles as I came to truly understand why so many people come to California and never leave.

At the same time, I tried rather hard to relate the euphoric feeling that I had towards the campus, to my current law school aspirations. I have honestly never even considered California as a destination for legal studies. My mindset, for as long as I could remember, was to remain in the Northeast, save some money, and establish a network for my future legal practice. Upon walking on the UCLA campus (not to mention the many conversations I had with my dear friend with regard to risk aversion), I was quick to realize that perhaps my calculated approach to life, may not have been the best decision.

For a long time now, I have been searching for elements to complete a sense of emptiness that has plagued my well-being. It was on this southern California campus that I may have realized at least one of the missing elements – a sense of gratified risk payoff. To put it a different way – one of the best feelings in the world is to know that you have accomplished something that may have incipiently been thought of to be impossible (think Harold & Kumar in Whitecastle…the inexplicable feeling of accomplishment for gaining that one thing you truly long for). But against all odds, you manage to achieve your goals – thus resulting in an overwhelming sense of accomplishment.

My presence on the UCLA campus on that day made me realize that seemingly all my life, I have played it safe. Economics was a safe major; so is attending law school in the region that I have become all too complacent. Everything that I have done up to this pointing my life has seemingly been calculated to a point where the sense of failure has been minimized to the greatest degree possible. Perhaps it is this realization that I have lacked that incredible feeling that may come with feeling the rewards of a risk well-taken – thus contributing to the sense of nagging emptiness that I have felt for so long.

How – one may ask – did I gain such an inflexion point standing on a UC campus? UCLA symbolizes a remarkably high goal for most people trying to gain entrance into its doors. Even more so, are the fewer students who are trying to gain admissions into their law school. Therefore, UCLA represents what I think I should shrive for at this point in my life so that it may serve as some sort of motivation to life and studies. To me, LA seems like this incredibly wonderful place (most probably because the places that have been chosen for me have been unique in their own sense, and therefore, represent all that is good about this region) and yet, I do not seem to deserve such a heaven-like state of living – at least not at this point in my life.

However, if I choose to apply my work ethic and fledging intellectual capabilities, I may one day end up in such a magnificent metaphorical place. Please keep in mind, though, that I am using LA as a metaphor for such a magnificent destination when in fact, this destination can be anywhere. Do I need to take some magnificent risk in order to reach this destination? Probably – but only then will I truly be able to feel a huge sense of gratification with my own decisions.

That is why I respect and admire the decision that this dear friend made to come out LA – despite the plethora of reasons pushing her to the contrary. By taking such a life-changing risk, she has managed to come out on top, albeit plenty of trial by fire. Otherwise, she may have been left stranded five years down the line asking herself, “What if?” Even though she seemingly made this decision to the opposition of many of her friends and colleagues, in the end, you must always look for what is best for you, and not what everyone else thinks is the best for you. So far, I haven’t the slightest clue what is best for me. However, I hope to be prepared to take that risk when the necessary time arrives.

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It is Monday afternoon and I am still in Southern California, typing away on a park bench in a beautiful, secluded park tucked into the suburban neighborhood of San Marino. The weather is probably hovering about sixty degrees with overcast skies with a slight breeze. The reasons that led to my being here in the park, instead of the Northeast, can completely be attributed to my inability to read an online calendar. It turns out that I misread my itinerary before I took off for California, and I never bothered to check my ticket the whole time I have been here. The prospect of messing up my flight was foreign to me. Therefore, I can only laugh at the fact when I was standing at the airport E-ticket kiosk on Sunday night, absolutely bewildered because I wasn’t going to make it home for work on Monday morning via the red-eye flight.

What this translates to is another day in Southern California – which I normally wouldn’t be complaining about – except for the fact that my being here cuts into my friend’s daily schedule in which she did not plan. This experience is slightly reminiscent of the time last year when I was in Miami while a Nor’easter pummeled the eastern sea board. Luckily, our flight was not cancelled, but my girlfriend-at-the-time’s flight (we broke up during the trip) was cancelled because she was flying to Newark.

Even though the situations may not necessarily parallel one another exactly, there are some strange resemblances. The most significant one, though, is that I had a choice to remain in Miami – but for some un-compelling reason, I chose to leave. In this situation, however, it wasn’t choice that led me to stay at my destination longer. Rather, fate seemingly controlled this situation to the end (or else, I would be forced to admit my short-comings when it comes to reading calendars on orbitz.com). Yet, I didn’t hesitate or regret my extra day in Southern California, and may have chosen the same option had the opportunity arisen. Therein was the difference.

I don’t exactly know how to read into this situation, except that it may contribute to my current desires for adventure. My whole predicament with my interrupted travel plans is not characteristic of my being, as far as I’m concerned. I am usually quite detail-oriented when it comes to meticulously planning trips and making sure that I follow the schedule from beginning to end (with a complete disregard with what goes on in the middle). The deviation from a scheduled regiment is something in which I am unfamiliar, but I will seldom refuse these unplanned situations into my otherwise mundane life. In fact, I hope that this trend continues, so that I will be able to break free from this strangle-hold that has controlled my life. What’s the fun in predictability anyway? I have plenty of time to be predictable while in law school.

One more thing: the fears presented in the last entry turned out to be completely unfounded. I should be okay…for now.

Depression Intact

This whole process has made me feel an overwhelming sense of depression right now, and this feeling has just been exacerbated further by the news that I have missed the financial aid deadline at UConn. What this essentially means is that I will not be considered for any grants, but rather, but straddled with a mountain of loans. Of course, I have no one to blame but myself. How can I be so stupid in not reading my acceptance letter completely? How have I done nothing to follow up with the status of my financial aid? Why is it that time again, I fail to come through when it matters most -particularly because this is one of the most important decisions that I will make in my lifetime?

As a result, I am not feeling myself - forced to turn inward and internalize the rage that I have been feeling. There is no one to blame but myself. I hate myself.

UCONN Law

Law school can be the beginning of something incredibly enlightening. The prospect of attending signifies the attainment of a goal that I set for myself many years ago. Since then, I have seemingly designed my career decisions based on this assumption that I will ultimately end up in law school. The significance of this achievement is perhaps why I am so reluctant on making a hasty decision with regard to where I want to go – there just seems to be so many unanswered questions, as well as questions that may not have crossed my mind yet.

Nevertheless, I visited the University of Connecticut School of Law two weeks prior to their scheduled open house for accepted students this past weekend. In a sense, I wanted to see for myself what the campus felt like on a typical week where the administration has not taken the liberty to beautify the school in an attempt to entice prospective students. Thank goodness my friend was available to show the group around. Otherwise, we may have been left with only the shell of an impression because all the doors to the buildings were locked.

There are so many positive attributes that I can think of in attending the UCONN. For one thing, the school provides a great education at an extremely affordable price. UCONN also yields a solid reputation in the legal community, and it would provide me with equal access to both Boston and New York City after graduation. The campus is almost everything that I desired in a school: gothic architecture, tradition, and a sense of community solidified by a beautiful campus in a wonderful location in West Harford.

Granted, the campus is but a stone’s throw to the ghetto. But the dichotomy between the rich and the poor will serve as an ever lasting reminder of the socio-economic differences – unlike Skidmore, where anything outside of upper middle class was not visible. Most significant of all, though, is that Hartford will be able to provide me with a home away from home. There are so many factors that seemingly guide me away from the prospect of staying in Boston. Quite frankly, staying at home for my three years of law school – a time of self-reflection and the ground works of a fledging career – simply does not warrant the kind of self-growth and reflection that I seek in my current life.

On the other hand, though, I am reluctant to face the social prospect of attending a school away from a major metropolitan area. The diversity of the student body will certainly play an extremely significant role in influencing my decision. What the last two years have taught me - which essentially reaffirmed my previous beliefs – is that I connect much better with minorities – and in particular Asians.

The thought of having to deal with another social bubble during my three years of law school would serve as a huge impediment to my success, as I have come to strongly believe that success in life is determined largely by the people that you meet, and the environment in which you are presented. Therefore, the operative question should be: Should I focus solely on my education in an attempt to further my career afterwards? Or should I take my time in law school as a chance to develop intellectually and socially, where I would look to make life long friends and colleagues after graduation? Which do I value more, and will it be possible for me to obtain these factors in another law school?